


Faded.

by skyblue993



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, FLUFF is finally here!, Guilt, Jonnor - Freeform, Jude's a bundle of love that needs protection, Jude's past is not rainbows and unicorns, Love Triangle, M/M, Mention of physical assault., Sad parts, Sweetness, They just can't keep their hands off each other, happy parts too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-07-28 22:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 34,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7659928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You can run away from your demons but it's a race you can't always win.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm faded.

**Author's Note:**

> Title of this fic by the song :" Faded" by Alan Walker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a prologue :)

So many times Jude has thought about taking his own life. 

What was the point of keep living like that? He used to think, but Now that he's about to, Now that finally the wish of a lifetime is about to become reality.. for the first time in his young life he doesn't want to.

 _Too soon,_ he thinks as he stares blankly into space. He can't feel anything much beside the cold surface of the floor he's laying on and cold, so much cold.

He hears voices. One in particular calling for him, the other one just crying.

"Jude, stay with me..”

The desperate voice is pleading him, and even though he feels like he's about to _fade,_ Jude has to look at him one last time. Take that sight with him and Cherishing it into the special spot of his heart where the --very few-- happy memories were locked.

“Jude.”

He does his best to open his eyes, it takes him a while but he has to. So his eyelids slowly and very heavily flutter open and despite his sight is --as predicted-- completely blurred, he gets to see his face, his eyes, his Boy, one last time.

“I-” His throat aches but the weight of those words he was carrying inside of his chest has become unbearable. He needs to say it. “I L-”  
  
He hears him crying as his hand gently caresses his hair.

“Don't.” The voice says. “Just.. don't.”

  
Jude gets it.. the boy across from him is an hopeless romantic and it's probably not the most romantic way to say someone the big "L" world, but it's crucial.. He needs to hear it before he.. _fades away._

“I L--”

A finger gently rests on his lips and if Jude's body wasn't completely draining out of blood and energy he would have made a quip about him being such a drama queen.

“ _You're the weirdest person I've ever met.”_

He remembers smiling at the assertion.

“ _In a good way I hope.”_

“ _Oh, in the bestest of ways.”_

 

He's aware of the blood running down his forehead, his whole body aching for pain, his head getting lighter and lighter until...

"Jude!"

Jude thinks about happy memories as he waits for something, anything to happen..

 

“ _Why would you do that?!”_  
His voice was thick with anger as he took a step closer to him, pinning him against the wall. Jude remembers how the proximity made his heart hammering inside of his chest while His cheeks turned pink. He remembers perfectly His hands sweating..

“ _I.. don't know.”_  
_“You don't know?!” He was about to leave, tired of his bullshit so Jude thought.. last chance; Take it or leave it._  
_“Okay..I Know. I know why!”_  
_“Then tell me!”_  
His voice was filled with tired exhasperation.

“ _Because I like you!”_

He wants his last memories to be happy ones so He forces himself to think about the happiest days of his life made of laughter, love and Freedom. Because For the first time ever, Jude has felt young and crazy and carefree.

It's painful as he hears His soft and loving voice, chanting like a loop inside of his head as it asks.

"Do you want to be mine?"

His lips tugs up tiredly, a half smile on his lips as he feels his hand gripping his own.

Suddenly he doesn't feel so cold anymore.

 _“I've never felt like this.”_  
_“Like what?”_  
_“Like I'm walking on clouds.”_

 

He's never felt this loved.

He's never felt this happy.. 

And now it's about to end.

As Jude closes his eyes, he can't help but think... 

“You can run away from your demons but it's a race you can't always win.”

 


	2. Under the sea.

_eight months earlier.._

 

Connor Stevens is late, so damn late..

But no one can blame him since he joustles between going to classes, groceries shopping and then dealing with last minutes costumers stepping into the shop he works at, _which is really fucking rude_ , Connor thinks as he runs towards the bus station, entering into a store at the last minute when lights are already off and you're about to close the door... But there's nothing you can do with people's idiocy and the only concern running through his head right now is to run as fast as he can because he has to catch the bus.

He walks past the bakery and as when he's about to cross the street, he suddenly freezes.

"What the fuck is going on?" He thinks as he hears someone's scream coming from a very dark alley..

He gives a quick glance at his watch and curses himself under his breath because he only has two minutes left before the bus leaves and he knows, being genuinely selfless, that he's gonna probably feel bad for the rest of his life if he ignores someone in need of help, especially since The screams sound pretty loud and clearly filled with pain..

"Fuck it." 

He sighs as he runs down the dark alley until he finds two guys beating the crap out of a poor boy who's lying on the floor with hands covering his face. Connor's stomach clenches as he watches the two misfits kicking that poor guy into the stomach.

"Give me your wallet, digusting little--" one of them attempts to say before he's being grabbed by the collar of his shirt.

"What the hell dude?" 

The laying boy breathes heavily behind his hands even though he's not being assaulted anymore.

The other guy watches, completely speachless his friend's back being pressed against the wall and Connor can clearly detect fear flashing across his eyes as he watches Connor throwing a front kick to his stomach. The boy tries to react but sadly, for him, Connor is a brick wall of muscles.

"You better get the hell away from here." Connor says with voice that doesn't leave option to objections as he addresses to the other guy already rushing towards the end of the alley.

"Both of you."

He lets them go.. Because he has something more important to do in this moment.. He needs to make sure the trembling boy who's still lying in a fetal position on the ground, he's okay.

He crouches down, moving his hand until it rests on the boy's shoulder.

Connor's touch is so gentle that makes him flinch in surprise when the boy trembles even more underneath his touch. Connor feels a sharp jolt of pain spreading through his chest as he listens to the boy's desperate sobs of pain.

"Hey.. Hey, it's okay.. You are okay." 

He sits on the ground next to him, waiting for him to calm down.

They stay in that position for ten minutes and Connor's heart lose a beat every time he hears the boy crying..

His pulse speeds up when finally the boy lowers down his hands.. And it hits Connor even worse than before; Seeing the boy's face scratched with tears, his eyes red and puffy, his lips wet and probably salty.. It's too much.

Connor gets up in silence and as soon as the boy glances up with his big, distressful eyes he watches Connor's holding out his hand.

"Come on.." Connor's voice shakes as he says. "Let's get out of here."

 ###

They walk in complete silence.. Until they find an empty bench near the bus station and they sit down.

The silence is not up to Connor.. There's so much he wants to ask but he feels like he can't because of the walls, _completely justified_ Connor thinks, the boy has built around himself since the moment he has stopped crying.

Connor excuses himself for a moment as he gets up to make a phonecall.. He walks away just slighty but his gaze never leaves the sitting boy, who's watching absent mindedly into space. Connor swears he doesn't even blink.

"So.." Connor decides to make the first move as he sits down. He thinks the boy hasn't even registered his presence on that bench since he doesn't even flinch at the sound of Connor's voice, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

 _Don't be discouraged.._ Connor's mind suggests him, _let's start with the basics._.

"What's your name?"

He doesn't expect an answer but somehow the boy surprises him..

"Jude."

Wow, Connor thinks, he speaks..

"Hi Jude.." His kind voice does the trick, apparently, because for the first time since Connor saved him, Jude's finally looking at him.

He holds out his hand again as a temptative smile appears on his lips.

"I'm Connor."

Jude looks hesitantly at the hand as He bits his lips in contemplation for the longest moment of Connor's life Before slowly, hesitantly, finally reaching for his hand..

Their hands touch and it's like being hit by a lightning.

Connor tries to not read too much into that.. Since.. _He's not supposed to._

Their moment is being interrupted by the horn of a car.

"Our ride's here." Connor says as he pulls away his hand, refusing to blush at the way his hand feels too cold right now.

"Come on.." 

They climb into the small Hyundai, Connor sits in the passenger seat while Jude sits in the backseats.

"Hey.. " Connor greets the dark haired boy, sitting in the driver seat, with tired voice

"Hey, Con." He throws a brief look at Jude from the rear view mirror before cracking a polite smile at the sight.

"Hello." 

Jude cracks something between a smile and a frown as he murmurs a very feeble _hi._ the dark haired boy looks questioningly at Connor in response.. 

Connor shakes his head, still upset by the memory of Jude's small frame shaking and crying as the two boys were beating the crap out of him.

"I.. Don't really want to talk about it, Ron."

Connor sighs as he lays back against the headrest. "Let's just take him home."

The boy named Ron just nods with hesitation flashing across his features as asks Jude where he lives.. Jude's eyes grow huge as he starts  taking deep breaths.

Obviously Ron and Connor start panicking as they witness to Jude's breakdown..

"Jude.." Connor leans over his seat to take a look at Jude. He's crying again.

"Is he having a panic attack right now?" Ron asks with eyes blown wide, his own voice shaking.

"I don't know how to deal with panic attacks, Connor.. Fuck."

Connor closes his eyes, the tiredness in addition to Ron's blabbering drain him out of patience..

"Just shut up." He says to Ron then he addresses to Jude, ignoring Ron's deadful glare.

"Jude.. Jude look at me."

Jude does. His teary eyes lock with Connor's.

"Just breathe.." 

Jude nods as he starts inhaling very very slowly and then exhaling at equal pace..

"Good. Okay, inhale and exhale.. Just like that.."

 Jude feels reassured by Connor's kind voice.. He gives him the strenght to just.. _Not freak out._.

He closes his eyes for a brief moment and then when he opens it again he feels able to utter two or more words.

"Don't.." His throat feels sore as he speaks but Connor seems more than willing to let him set the pace of their conversation..

"Don't have H-H.." Here we go, Jude thinks as he forces the words out of his throat..

Connor's eyes widen before Jude has completely uttered them out.

"I don't have a home."

 


	3. Another Start.

As Ron drives them home, he can't keep his focus on the road.

His eyes shifts constantly from the road to Connor, physically Sitting right next to him but with his head, miles and miles away.

Ron wants to ask him what he's thinking and most importantly why he feels the need to take care of this boy but as the thought forms into his head he realizes that just thinking about how to give voice to that question is enough to make him feel like shit.

Problem is that Connor is kindhearted, always been and always will.. It's ridicolous how much it drives him crazy sometimes..

He keeps throwing glances at the boy, well aware that he should keep his attention focused on the road instead, but at some point he just can't hold back the words escaping his lips.

"Are you sure about this?"

It comes out like a whisper because he's aware that Jude's just sitting back there and even though he's basically in a catatonic state he knows he can hear him.

 Connor turns his face just slightly, his eyes telling everything it needs to be awkwnoledged.

"What else can we do?" Connor replies with low pitched voice and unspoken “Are you serious right now?” Filling his voice as he throws a brief look at Jude from over his shoulders.

"We can't just leave him alone.. He doesn't have anywhere to go."

The last words are said with such anger that breaks Ron's heart, just a little bit but  _right now,_ Ron thinks _, it 's unappropriate on so many levels to take it personally._

 _They_  step into the apartment and Connor tries to keep the conversation alive with Jude while Ron tries to not read too much into that.

_He's just helping him._

_He's just taking care of this person..  who's a complete stranger,_ his brain suggests,

_whose the only information we know about him is that he's Jude.. not a surname, age.. and how's that even possible he doesn't have a home? Is this a “Back to the future” Kind of shit?_

He sinks on the couch releasing a loud yawn as Connor leads Jude to an empty bedroom. 

Ron sighs loudly before following them even though He knows he's just showing him _his_ room, which.. Can it really be referred at as _his_ room? Ron thinks, _he'll stay here just for a while_.. _Just until he'll find a job and.. Okay, enough with the selfish shit.._

He steps into the room and He feels an unpleasant feeling settling his his chest as he sees the two boys sitting on the bed and very important detail, Connor's hand is on Jude's shoulder, And meaningless detail is the genuine smile on Jude's lips.

"If you need anything.. Don't be afraid to ask.. You'll stay here as long as you need."

Ron listens to Connor's sweet voice, ignoring the constricting feeling in his chest before he hears Jude's low pitched voice break his chain of thoughts.

"Thank you.." He says to Connor before looking over where Ron is standing on the threshold.

"To the both of you."

Ron's pain is souted by Jude's kind tone.. Making him feel like a shitty human being for the rest of the night.

## 

They're in bed.

Neither of them was in a mood to eat so Connor just prepared Jude a plate of pasta, and even though they know it's rude looking at someone who's eating (Even though Jude didn't really gave signs of discomfort.) they keep Jude's company until he's finished eating.

"How long will he stay here?" Ron asks as he settled himself against his pillow not even feeling bad in the slightest for the very direct question.

"As long as he needs, I guess.."

Ron nods as he exhaled sharply through his nose.. He's not in the position to object, this is Connor's apartment, even though he lives there because of Connor's request to wake up and fall askeep next to his five years boyfriend every single night, And really, how can someone object to a request like this dripping sweetly off the mouth of such a perfect human being?

He thinks he has absolutely no say in all of this but then he feels Connor rolling on his side, facing him. His eyes looks tired and filled with a hint of fear that makes Ron let out an involontary short intake of breath.

His eyes are drawn to Connor's hand gently holding his own. The gentle touch sends shivers down Ron's spine.. He never imagine giving that up; Connor's warmth, his sweet voice, his gentle touches.. It's all _his. It has to._

"Hey.. I'm sorry if I haven't consulted you on this.."

"No.." Ron shakes his head with a reassuring smile on his lips, feeling momentarily comforted by Connor's genuinely caring tone.

He's the sweetest and Ron feels lucky to have him as his boyfriend..

"It's your apartment.."

Connor frowns at Ron's words as he makes an important remark.

"I asked you to come live with me."

"I know.."

"This is your home too."

Ron's heart flutters inside of his chest.

"Okay.."

"I mean it, Ron."

Ron shakes his head as to clear it from every pessimistic thoughts playing in that moment like a loop.. 

"I know. I know, Con.."

Connor shows him that smile capable of making swoon, So damn bright And gorgeous and filled with light and as usual he's unable to shake that feel of being unworthy.

He stills asks himself sometimes how someone like Connor would fall for someone like him but he's not gonna question that right now, not when Connor's smile and eyes are so damn attractive..

He takes a deep breath as he tries to find the courage to say those words he has kept for himself, for three weeks, finally out loud..

"Connor.. There's something I need to tell you."

"Yeah ?"

Ron nods as his heart starts pounding almost painfully inside of his chest.. He closes his eyes because he knows that he'd be unable to say it while Connor's sincere and loving eyes are looking at him..

"Connor.. I--"

There's a soft knock on the door that makes Ron think: "Seriously?!"

"Come in."

Jude's small frame steps through the threshold and Ron's feeling a sick satisfaction settling in his chest as he watches Jude's eyes widen in shock before he starts stuttering.

"O-Oh.. I'm.. I'm so sorry, I haven't realized you two.."

He turns his face like he's just walked on them having sex.. which in Ron's mind it's so damn amusing.

"It's okay, Jude.."

Connor sits up on his bed depriving Ron from his warmth. Ron's eyes follow him through the route from the bed to where Jude's standing. He takes note of the blush creeping over Jude's cheeks and the way he's looking at everywhere but them.

Ron looks at Connor's brief.. the only piece of clothing he's wearing at the moment and he almost throws him a blanket.. Jesus, enjoy the view Jude.. Ron thinks as he lets out an annoyed sigh.

"Are you okay? Something happened?"

Jude shakes his head as he tries to not look at Connor's brief but Ron catches his eyes looking down for the briefest moment before glancing up again, his face turning redder than before.

"I.. I just need a blanket."

"Oh..right." Connor laughs softly as he slaps his hand on his forehead before leading the way to Jude's bedroom.

The moment Ron's alone in the queen size bed his mind starts racing and imagining, as usual, [Hypothetica](https://www.google.it/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwi40qfcv83OAhUGxxQKHUGcCJMQFgghMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.quora.com%2Ftopic%2FHypothetical-Scenarios&usg=AFQjCNFDZzE0HfOjinEYOlFhVpklOSqfRg&sig2=QuRRxGdgSm0WIK8yOrsaDQ)l scenarios where Connor's tired of him and he leaves him.

He closes his eyes, breathing sharply through his nose and there's only one thing he can do to make himself feel better..

 


	4. Another dream.

 

 

 

Jude's heavy breath is the only sound in the dark room.

He should be asleep by now, considering that this is probably the most comfortable bed he's been laying on since _forever._

He breathes sharply though his nose as he works on his breathing.

He's tired and drained out of energy but he just can't seem to get asleep so he just closes his eyes instead of just staring at the ceiling and he pushes away the thoughts of the previous day. He can't think about it right now..

So many things happened in the arch of the last twenty-four hours and he deserves some sleep.

He narrows his eyes in his sleep as he shakes the thought of Connor's kind eyes off his mind, feeling ashamed just like he's just committed a mortal sin.

Those people took him in, gave him a place to stay, A shelter from the brutal outside world and as his body slowly relaxes against the comfortable mattress and he slowly drifts off to sleep he swears that he would never, ever screw that up.. 

 

 

As Jude zombie walks into the kitchen he's met with Connor's (still shirtless) frame as he makes coffee.

"Good morning!"

Jude closes his eyes shut, clearly not used by that high pitched kind of voice. Connor notices almost immediately, his face contorting in concern.

"Sorry.. I didn't mean to."

Jude watches him as he sits down and he puts two cups of coffee on the kitchen's table.

"Thank you.." Jude says as he sits down just across from Connor.

"And don't worry.. I.." He trails off trying to find the most accurate words to explain to him his odd behaviour.

"I just have to get used to.. Your _shrilling_ voice."

He sees the blush creeping over Connor's cheeks so he justs sights slightly into his cup of coffee.

He shouldn't have this thoughts, Maybe that's because he feels like owing something to Connor, which he  does, he Owes him _everything_.. So the most logical explanation for the pull he feels towards this person is simple as that. _Gratitude._

Connor clears his throat as he changes the direction of their conversation. Thank God, Jude thinks, this awkward silence is definitely not pleasant.

"You should know that even though I wish to stay here.." Then he trails off, letting out an awkward laugh at the obvious annuendo filling his voice. " _To help you settle in._ " He rushes to add... "I have classes today.."

Jude gives a slight nod of his head as he keeps listening to Connor's soft voice filling him about college life and how the manages to justle between classes, his part time job at the store and how he's still able to look like this and most importantly keeping that brightful smile all along, will always be a mistery to Jude.

"Ron will stay here with you, if you need anything." 

"Okay.." Jude's more than okay with that. At least I won't be this awkward around him for a few hours, Jude thinks as he cracks a weak smile in return.

“Thank you for loaning me your  pajamas ..” a soft blush creeps over Connor's cheeks as he gives a nod of his head.

“It's very warm..” Jude closes his eyes as he leans into the collar of his shirt to smell what he suspects is Connor's scent in addiction to some very delicate lavanda.

Connor's heart skip a beat as he watches the scene unfolding before his eyes and realizes how wrong is, his skin to get all tingly by this.

“I-I think you should buy some new clothes, you know.”  
Jude's head snap up at the words leaving Connor's lips. His face contorting in distress.

“It's not like It bothers me to borrow you some of my clothes but you know..” He gives a low chuckle as he adds. “If you're gonna stay here for a while you should have some new clothes.”

  
It's astonishing to Jude how tactful Connor is. Since the moment they took him into their house, they haven't even pushed once to know some of his background story.. not that Jude's complaining, obviously, but he feels a bit like a ass for it.

“I.. I don't have any money..” and then for a moment he's not being able to control himself, tears start gathering at the corner of his eyes because despite Connor and Ron's kindness Jude feels like he's taking advantage of them.

“Hey.. Jude, that's okay.” Connor stands up to crouch across from him. Jude looks at him through his wet eyelashes as he gives a very long intake of breath, his heart spikes up as soon as he's met by Connor's kind eyes.

“I don't know you, _at all_.” Jude says with sad eyes. “ But I know you enough to know what you're thinking and _No,_ Connor.”

  
“Jude..”

  
“I can't accept your money.”

“Consider this like a loan.” Connor proposes with calm edge in his voice. “As soon as you get a job you'll pay me back.”

“I feel like I'm taking advantage of you and I don't want that.” Jude retorts as he wipes off the tears from underneath his eyes.

“You're not.” Connor tells him. “I don't know you, _at all_.” Connor repeats Jude's exact same words. “But all I know is that you're a good person. I just can feel it.”

  
“Y-You don't know that.” Jude replies. “I could be a murderer or a drugs addict or..”

  
“You're not.” Connor's amused laugh makes Jude smile. “You're _Jude_ and you're welcomed here. Okay?”

Connor does something that surprises Jude, He watches as he holds out his pinkie towards him.

“Okay?”  
Jude smiles as he intertwines his pinkie to Connor's. The touch sends a jolt of warmth straight to his heart.

“Okay.”

“And Just so you know, you don't have to say anything to us you're not ready to say.. okay?”

  
“The story of my life is just-- ”He trails off searching for the most accurate words to use in that contest.. _Terrible, heartbreaking, appalling, disgusting?_

“Something I'm not ready to talk about and I'm sorry Connor, I feel so ungrateful towards the two of you and--”

“Whenever you're ready, we're here to listen.”

  
“Thank you, Connor.” Jude's finger inconsciously tightens around his own and in that moment Ron steps into the room, his eyes get huge as they're immediately drawn to his boyfriend kneeled across from Jude and their fingers touching...

He clears his throat and they both turn around, startled by his presence while their fingers immediately dislodge from one another.

“Am I interrupting something?”

  
Connor laughs nervously as he sits back down on his stool beckoning Ron to sit down at the table with them.

“Absolutely not, I was just telling Jude that you're gonna take him doing some shopping this afternoon while I'm at work.”

  
“Oh really?”

He oozes bitterness from every pore, according to Jude who doesn't look at him but hides his frown behind the cup of his coffee feeling ashamed just like he's been caught with hands in the cookie jar.

Suddenly, the prospect of spending the afternoon alone with him, doesn't sound so appealing anymore.

 


	5. Afraid our aim is out of sight.

 

It's not really that uncomfortable for Jude to walk in complete silence next to Ron as they go from shop to shop looking for clothes.

Jude steals glances to him from time to time and at first Ron doesn't seem aware of Jude's looks until he hears him murmur. _"Take a picture, it lasts longer."_

Jude's cheeks turn pink being caught on the fact but luckily Ron doesn't look pissed but he has a soft smile on his lips. Jude's carrying all those bags and that's very kind of Ron to suggest to take a break and maybe grab something to drink.

There's an awkward silence around them but not the malicious kind of silence, even though it makes Jude feel unease.

"Um... Ron?" 

Ron glances up from the phone screen giving him an expectant look. The _'Come on, talk.'_ Kind of one.

"I-I still haven't had the chance to thank you for letting me crash at your place--"

Ron cuts him off with a glacial stare.

"It's not.. my place." He takes a deep breath before His expression turns a bit soft –Jude thinks-- as he says. "I live there as _Connor's boyfriend_."

Maybe it's just Jude's imagination doing tricks with him the way Ron seems to stress The word _boyfriend_ to him _._

Jude's tempted to snort at that implication in Ron's voice but those people are hosting him so he has to be polite.

"-- but It's his apartment after all."

"Oh." Jude didn't see that coming. "Well, not everyone would take a stranger into their house--"

"Again." Ron sounds frustrated, not aware of how's getting Jude frustrated the fact that he can't bring himself to let him speak. "That's--"

"I got your point, Ron. If you'd let me talk--” Jude curses himself for the slightest bitchy inflection in his voice. He turns soft the moment after. “ I'd say that you and Connor are good people and I'll do everything I can to pay you back for this treatement.. I swear."

"Well..." Ron leans forward with his arm on the small circular table. His eyes narrowed like he's trying to read him before saying. "You can pay us back by telling us why you're homeless."

Jude has seen that question coming but he's too _hurt.._ he's not ready to share that part of his life with anyone yet so he just tells Ron that. "Sometimes life is.. unfair." Jude murmurs as he lowers down his gaze, suddenly unable to look at Ron into his eyes. "I know that's not probably what you wanted to hear but that's all I'm able to say right now..."

"I don't understand." 

"I'm not expecting you to." Jude counters sadly.

"Don't you have a family?"

_I did._

"I do."

Jude replies thickly as he gulps down the knot formed in his throat preventing him to utter those words out.

Even say those words out loud requires an amount of courage that Jude's not sure he has at the moment.

_Too soon._

"Why wouldn't you crash at your parent's place?"

Ron does not bother to hide the bitterness filling his voice at this point. He watches Jude shifting uncomfortably on his chair, his gaze looking for something, anything to save him from these questions.

Gotcha. Ron thinks as he goes on. "I'm sure they'd be happy to have you there--"

Ron doesn't know what he's talking about and he doesn't even bother to stop, not even when Jude's eyes start filling with tears, Ron keeps putting the screw to Jude.

"You're their son." He says nonchalantly. "If you need to give them a call them I'll lend you my phone, No biggie."

Then he finally Seems to acknowledge that he might have hurt Jude's feelings and his face breaks nto a deep frown as he watches Jude's face contorts in distress.

"You okay?"

"Yes." Jude breathes out as he wipes off his tears. "Can we go back? I'm knackered."

"Why are you crying? Did I do something wrong?”

  
Jude looks at him as he stares at him with that fake innocence in his eyes And Jude thinks yes, because he's exposed his concern about Sharing his story with them and Connor said it was okay, he's going to say it when he's ready but that's not Jude's biggest concern because he knows he'll never be fully comfortable or ready to say it.

He's scared because he doesn't know those people that well and he's aware that's not fair because those people took in him without even blinking about who he was or why he was homeless, but Jude's terrified that his biggest demon somehow would come there to chase him.

_He can't let that happen._

“Don't worry about it.” Jude says with teary eyes even though it's not okay.. _he's not okay._

“Just let's go back.”

And Ron's more than happy to oblige.

  
“Hey, you two!” Connor smiles brightly at them as soon as they step inside but his cheeriness has short life because he notices Jude's gloomy face.

He exchanges a questioning look with Ron who just shrugs his shoulders in response.

“How did it go?”  
Neither of them reply so Connor's patience starts to wear thin. “What the hell happened?”  
“I'm tired.” Jude says as he cracks a weak, so not convincing, smile. “Do you mind if I go to bed?”

He almost wants to slap himself for sounding like a baby, like he needs permission anymore..

He shoves away that thought in the back of his mind before heading towards his room.

Ron doesn't even blink. _“Night.”_ He sighs as he sinks down onto the couch, eyeing how Connor's eyes follow Jude till they hear the sound of a door closing.

“What happened?”

  
“Nothing.” Ron replies with a roll of his eyes. “I was just asking some basic informations about him and he started crying and shit.”

  
“Why would you do that?!”

  
Ron's eyes flick to Connor who looks pissed by his Impertinence. He starts laughing but when he notices how Connor's not laughing along with him, his smile fades off his face.

“Wait, are you serious Connor? We're hosting a complete stranger into this house. Is it so bad that I just want to know who we're dealing with?”

  
“Have you not noticed how fragile he is? You just can't ask him a raffic of questions-- and don't give me that look because I know your “ _Officer Ronald Reynolds._ ” mood.” Your approach is _aggressive_ , Ron.”

  
“I think we all need to cool down with this story.” Ron counters. “We don't know anything about him. We don't know where he comes from, how old is he, why is he homeless.. he's a fucking stranger, Connor. Aren't you a bit scared of that fact? That a complete stranger is living under your roof? Could be a murderer as far as we know! “

“I talked to him this morning and we agreed that he's gonna talk to us whenever he's ready. We can't force him, Ron.”

Ron frowned at Connor's words, looking at him like he's lost his damn mind.

“Why do you care so much about him?”

 

“W-What?”

  
“You treat him like he's your child or something that you need to protect of all costs. You've known him for less than three days, for fuck sake. Your attachement to _that person_ is starting to freak me out, Connor. Honest.”

Connor dislodges his gaze from Ron as he takes a deep breath. “T-There something about him--”  
He then, notices the way Ron's eyes grow huge. “--Don't give me that look. You know It's definitely not like that.”  
  
Ron's shoulders relax so Connor goes on by saying. “There's something about him that reminds me of me, few years ago, when my father rejected me and for the first time in my life I was completely on my own.”  
  
“Oh Con..” Ron sighs as he rests his head against his shoulder. “I'm sorry to hear that.”

“My father didn't want anything to do with me while my mother moved to God knows where Without even giving me an heads up so when I started college I had no one.

I know what it feels like and It's something I don't wish anyone to go through and I'm sure Jude's life hasn't been easy,  _it's not easy_. I don't know him but there's something into his eyes that screams  _help._ So please, _Ron,_ try to be nice to him.”  
  
“I am nice to him, Con but I won't feel guilty for wanting to know more about him since he's gonna stay here with us for a while.”  
  
“Okay.” Connor says, laying a kiss on his forehead. “I'm going to take a shower, now.”

Ron nods as he lays down on the couch, closing his eyes. Connor hears him sighing loudly and does his best to not roll his eyes.

_Ron's such a drama queen._

He walks past Jude's room and since the door is open, he throws a quick look inside before going into the bathroom.

His heart lurches inside of his chest at what he sees. Jude's sitting at the edge of his bed, his small frame shaking underneath the thin blanket wrapped around his body as shield.

He doesn't awkwnoledge Connor's presence at first since his hollow gaze is focused on a random spot on the wall.

Connor's hears himself giving a short intake of breath that doesn't go unnoticed by Jude. His eyes flick to Connor.

“Oh.” Connor clears his throat as he looks away for a brief moment before stepping inside of the room. “Ron told me what happened. I'm sorry if you felt pressured by all those questions.”

“I guess it's legit to want to know who  _you're dealing with.”_  Connor feels shivers running down his spine at the way Jude's voice sounds so empty.

“I didn't mean to overheard..” He gives a sad chuckle as he shakes his head, trying to clear the air. “It's just that these walls are incredibly thin and Ron's voice so loud...”  
  
“I know.” Connor tries to smile as he asks him. “Can I?”  
Jude nods so Connor sits down on the bed next to him They spend few minutes just listening to the other's breathing but then Jude breaks the silence.

“Do you?”  
“What?”

Jude clears his throat as fiddles with his fingers. A gesture of nervousness, Connor realizes.  
“Do you want to know more about me?”  
  
“Of course I do, Jude. I won't lie to you--" Connor trails off with a sigh, measuring his next words.

"I would want to know more about you because you're staying with us so It would make us feel.. safer, I guess. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I definitely don't think you're a criminal but--"

"I get it." Jude smiles. "And yes, it totally makes sense."

"Okay. Cool. I'd also want to know more about you because you're interesting."

Jude's eyebrow arches up."Interesting?"

"Yes, I think we have a lot of things in common."

"I know.. I've heard. I'm sorry, I feel like I was eavesdropping your conversation.. but thank you, you know, for what you said."

"Sure."

Connor's amazing. Jude thinks, feeling absolutely shitty when he's rewarded by his gorgeous smile.

He wants to, desperately wants to tell him something but even thinking about it causes a knot to form into Jude's throat.. He can't seriously tell him all of that. That's a lot to digest even for Jude, He's not even sure how Connor would be able to handle it.. It's in him, under his skin, it's everywhere, marking him with invisible but yet indelible ink.

Jude wants to say something to him so he blurts out what he thinks it's safe to say.

_That's the truth after all._

"I don't have a family anymore."

He's not expecting pity from Connor but he's still surprised when he finds none in his voice. He makes an interesting observation that makes Jude realize that he's found someone able to read right through him.

The thought sends a rush of warmth settling in his chest that he quickly provides to shove away.

"You don't sound too sad about that."

"I am not."

Connor nods his head, giving him a long look but not pushing the conversation any further.

_He seems like he knows better than do that._

He can't bring himself to ignore the rush of warmth flooding through his whole body, this time.

"Thank you for telling me, Jude. I appreciate that you feel safe enough to share this bit of your life with me."

"I am."

He can't control the crimson blush spreading on his face as he clears his throat.

"It feels easy to talk to you."

"You can always talk to me."

 


	6. The monster's running wild inside of me.

It's been more than two months since Jude has settled down in Connor – and Ron's-- apartment and Jude can't bring himself to shake that feeling, creeping over him, that's not welcomed into that house.

Ron's a problem, _a big one_.

Jude let it slide for the a while but he thinks Ron seriously needs to take it down to a notch.

Thing is, Ron knows when to _target_ him; when to slide into his paranoid, over obsessed, pain in the ass persona and whenever he does things like these... like glare at him or doing childlish things like hide his stuff, it's when Jude fights the urge to take him down on that carpet and demand him to tell what the hell is his problem. He's bottled up his frustration for the sake of peace, but Jude's not a saint and He's run out of patience.

“What the hell are you doing?! “  
Ron jerks around, flushed in the face and lips slightly parted, his hands previously busy fiddling through Jude's stuff fall on his sides looking exactly like a child been caught with his hands in the cookie jar.

“Seriously?” Jude shakes his head as he drops the wet towel on his bed, glaring at him with arms crossed against his chest. “What, cat got your tongue? Listen, I get that I'm not the welcomed here, you made it clear.” Jude says with gritted teeth, fists clenching so hard that his knuckles go white. “ _Several times,_ actually. But seriously, man, going through my stuff it's just the lowest of the low.”

Ron narrows his eyes as he exhales sharply through his nose, rage flashing across his features.  
_“I want you out of here.”_  
Jude doesn't even flinch at the harsh tone filling Ron's voice. He's gotten used to it.  _“_ _Connor wants me here._  He doesn't mind having me here, besides I'll start working soon and--”  
“Oh yeah.” Ron grimaces. “Let's talk about how you persuaded Connor to leave his job--”  
“Don't your dare.” Jude's eyes grow huge as he takes an involontary step forward, just few feets away from Ron. “ I'm not... Connor decided to quit his job because it was just stressful for him dealing with his working shifts, classes and--”  _You._

Jude bits his tongue at the last minute. He knows it isn't fair. The previous night, in a sweet but totally innocent moment they found himself sitting on the couch, watching an old black and white movie and Connor has confided to him that he's not that sure about his relationship with Ron, anymore. His feelings for Ron aren't as strong as they used to and things are different. Jude immediately felt guilty because he knew when it started..

 

“ _Connor.. I'm thankful for what you've done to me so far but I don't want to be the cause of your problems with him. Really.” Jude's hand fiound his place on top of Connor's, inconsciously drawing circles with his thumb. Only when Connor's startled eyes looked down, Jude felt a thousand times guiltier than before because even though he never would have intentionally caused problems, he knew he was._

“ _I'll just find another place to stay... somehow.”_

“ _No.” Connor shook his head vehemently and Jude could feel him relax beneath his gentle touch._

“ _I want you here.”_

  
“It's not my fault. Connor is just trying to help me.”  
Ron snorts loudly with a roll of his eyes, eyes flashing red as he can't bring himself to keep his voice low. _He's enraged._

“As you need help. You just aimed at his big kind heart. You're taking advantage of him! That's why you always flutter your eyelashes like _fucking Bambi_ whenever he talks to you! It's your fault we're having problems! It's your fault he's leaving me!”

  
It happens in a split second. The moment before Ron's sweating and shouting at Jude, blaming him for all what's happening between him and Connor making Jude feel a freaking homewrecker and then the moment after Jude finds himself pushed backwards by Ron's muscled arms and pinned against the mattress.

It's weird and completely wrong. The way they're breathing sharply through their noses, startled eyes looking right at his own, Silence falling over them. _It's all wrong._ Jude's really fucking terrified right now.

“G-Get off me, Ron. I'm not joking.”  
  
Ron doesn't listen. Jude's more scared than ever as he watches Ron's pissed off expression turning into a smirk.

“You need to get out. Have I made my self clear? You're done ruining my relationship."

Ron's leg swings over Jude's lower stomach eliciting a startled gasp out of the brunette.

Jude wants to ask, no, yell actually. "What the fuck are you doing?" But nothing comes out. His body is shaking beneath Ron's weight, writhing as he tries to find the strenght to roll them over and get the hell out of that room to call Connor, or anyone for that matter, to rescue him.

This isn't normal.. the way Ron's griding against his leg. He finds the courage to look into Ron's sinister eyes.

He regrets it the moment after when he detects anger in addition to ...Jude can't quite place if that's pure hatred of lust for revenge, flashing across his eyes. Jude prays it's not the latter because that would be utterly disgusting.

Ron notices the way Jude's eyes are filled with fear and considering the way his smirk's widening, he's probably feeling a sick satisfaction swelling in his chest realizing that he's succeding in his goal :Scare the shit out of Jude so that he's forced to Go.

Jude holds back tears thinking that he has no where else to go. This is the only home that resembles one.

He closes his eyes, pulling a face when Ron's lips brush against his ear. Hoping all the Gods in heaven to save him from this torture.

"Get the fuck out of this house, You'd be scared to know what I'm capable of in order to preserve my relationship with Connor. "

Jude's heart constricts in chest like a fist as he forces himself to open his eyes. He thinks that Ron's probably still up there, holding him still with his hands firm planted on his hips when he does, when he opens his eyes, he doesn't see Ron. It's a flash, Jude knows it's not real but he sees her anyway. Her rugged face as she hovers over him with stinking breath and lustful hands as she demands something that's not hers to own.

Something shifts inside of Jude and that gives him the strenght to stand up for himself. This is Connor's apartment and Connor wants him there so he's gonna stay there. He won't give in to Ron's sickening threats. Jude deserves a home and Connor's willing to give one to him. 

_Jude's done running._

"Get the fuck off me!"

Ron lets out a wrecked breath a Jude pushes him with every strenght he has feeling for the first time proud for standing up for himself. Live his life without guilt because it's not Jude's fault. None of that is. He deserves to life.

"Don't you ever touch me again. D-Don't you dare. I'm gonna tell Connor everything you did and said to me."

Jude wipes away his tears as he stumbles on shaky legs towards the door.

"It's not my fault you're too sick in the head to make your relationship work.

I'm not gonna leave until Connor tells me so, deal with it." Jude leaves the room, pulling his shoes on and grabbing in a rush the spare keys that Connor has given to him.

He's not leaving but he needs some air, besides he refuses to hang out in that house alone with that freak until Connor comes home.

 

Ron's still laying on Jude's bed, flinching a bit as the sound of a door closing echoes through the empty house.

He smirks as he hears Jude's words flood through his mind. _“Good to know.”_

 

 

 

 


	7. Wanna see us alight.

Jude can sense, since the moment he steps into the huge glass elevator that something is off.  
He has this strange forebolding creeping over him, since the moment he decided it was time to come home and he's glimpsed Connor's car parked in the driveway.

It's palpable in the air.

Jude's experienced this sort of danger alarm that rings into his head whenever something terrible is about to happen.  
_This time makes no exception._

  
He manages to insert the key despite his trembling hand and he as soon as he steps inside he's met by something that leaves him quite speechless.  
Both of their faces turn to him and he experiences, for the first time since he got there , Connor's severe eyes looking right at him and Jude knows, it's easily predictable what that asshole told Connor, it's not like is the first time afterall..

  
His frightened eyes flick to Ron's face who's sitting on the couch with Connor and Jude can't help but notice his hand in Connor's, his head against Connor's shoulder and he's crying.... _the asshole's crying._ The asshole has no right to cry and yet, here he is, crying against Connor's shoulder where he's supposed to.. no fuck that thought.

  
"Okay." Jude sighs as he decided to not fight this because considering the emptiness flashing across in Connor's eyes he knows this is just a losing battle.  
Jude knows what Ron has told Connor even before the words are said out loud because it's so childlish, wrong, dishonest and fucking predictable... there's no way Connor would believe that Ron's the victim in this.  
"That's my cue." He tells to no one in particular as He goes into his room, walking past the two of them still sitting on the couch, ignoring Connor's eyes silently asking him to stop but he goes in there anyway.

  
He grabs his jacket and a realizing that most of the clothes he has in there are still technically Connor's because he's the one that has bought them to him in the first place, he just leaves them there.  
He's aware that there's like the 50% of chances that he's gonna end up living under a bridge --or worse-- but he thinks that's an healthier environment than this one.  
Jude doesn't deserve this, he knows that, but he also can't allow Ron to do this to him and to Connor in particular, who's the kindiest person he's ever met and, poor thing, he's stuck with a psyco when he could do so much better..  
He can't hold back the thought forming in his mind that says.

 _"And that better would be you?"_  
Well maybe yes. Jude decides, maybe yes in a different contest, sure. He would give Connor the love he deserves but he can't because Connor's with someone, _that's totally wrong for him,_ that's fact, but there's someone in his life that's gonna do everything in his power to ruin his life so why fight this when Connor obviously believe whataver bullshit Ron has told him? And how, Jude reflects, he's supposed to sleep in that room after Ron's ambushing of that afternoon? It's impossible, he'll re live that scene over and over again as he tries to close his eyes and get some sleep and what if Ron sneaks into his room in the middle of the night? What if he climbs into his bed and scares the hell out of him? What if he puts his hand over his mouth and..

"Jude?"

Jude realizes he's sitting on the floor at the corner of his roomas soon as he opens his eyes whose, he also realizes, are filled with unleashed tears.  
Connor's just a blurry prominent sight standing on the threeshold of his room, looking at him with an unreadable look on his face.  
Jude's not ready to hear it.   
Jude doesn't want to hear Connor say that he's a bastard that tried to molest his boyfriend. He can't hear Connor telling him that he has given him a house and his trust on a silver plate and he's broke it.  
He can't.

  
Jude stands up on his trembling legs, takes his jacket and heads to the door trying to run away before being stuck in this trial-- in this mess-- more than he already is.  
Jude manages, despite the cloudiness of his sight, to walk by Connor's freezed frame.  
He ignores Connor's vane attempt to stop him.  
He walks by the couch and Ron's still there, eyes puffed and rimmed by tears. His gaze lost, almost in a catatonic state.

  
He swears he has seen a sad, resigned shadow flashing across them but Jude has no time to wonder because Connor's running after him down the hallway.  
"Jude, please. Wait."

  
Jude doesn't stop. He keeps descending the stairs, listening to Connor's fast steps chasing him down and outside of the building.  
He wonders what it looks like to Connor, probably a confirm that what Ron has told him is the harsh truth.  
Jude really doesn't care about that. He just needs to go. He has done enough. He needs to leave Connor alone, and if he's happy with Ron.. well.. _he needs to go._

It's raining and Jude has no where to go. He barely hears his voice shouting his name anymore but maybe it's just his imagination. Maybe it's his unconscious playing with him, making him believe that Connor's looking for him... except that he's not.

  
Jude considers, While he's sitting at the bus station and for the briefest second, to go home.  
He calls himself moron the second after that. He'd rather live under a bridge and maybe eat up by mythical creatures of the night rather than live into that nightmare once again.

His eyes tear up when he thinks of that sharp, empty look being thrown at him the moment he's stepped inside of Connor's apartment. Their hands clasped together. Ron's head against his shoulder.. 

  
if Jude has to be completely honest, He's felt a rush of jealousy fire up from the pit of the stomach because he knows what if feels like to hold Connor's hand... it has been purely platonic –- or so he keeps telling himself-- but he's made him feel safe with just a touch of his hand, Jude felt at home and Seeing the two of them like this has made him realize that _he wants to be Ron_. Well, not Ron because he's a psyco but _he wants to be Connor's._  
He wants to be the one allowed to enjoy that warmth, the only one allowed to share a bed with him or cuddle on the couch with a black and white movie playing on the background.

He wants to be the one that surprises him with small little gestures so that can see that gorgeous smile spread on his lips. He wants to be the one that makes him feel better on a bad day. He wants to be the one that makes him favourite plate that he knows for fact that's lasagna, maybe surprise him after a long day at work with a nice dinner, soft classic music playing as soundtrack and bottle of wine to get dizzy with.  
He wants to be that person to him, _but he never will._

  
Jude sighs as tears run down his cheeks. He's hopelessly gone crazy _for him_ and just now he realizes that.

  
"Jude!"  
Jude looks up from his lap, wondering if his imagination is still playing tricks with him but then he sees him. Connor Stevens, completely soaked from head to feet, running towards him with devastation flashing across his face that honestly shatters Jude's heart in million of pieces inside of his chest.

  
"Jude!"   
"Connor." Jude goes completely tense when Connor finally catch up with him, finding a shelter under the shed of the bus station.

  
"Y-You-- fuck." Connor's panting, running a hand through his wet hair, brushing them off his forehead. His eyes look down at Jude, pleading and worried.  
"Y-You don't have to go. W-we can talk about this. I want to talk about this."

  
Jude gives a empty laugh as he avoids eye contact, his gaze fixed on a random spot on the ground.  
"There's nothing to talk about. Just go home to Ron."  
A cold shudder goes through Connor's body at the way Jude's voice sounds so empty.  
"He told me... _about this afternoon._ He told me that you-- "  
Jude's shoulders go tense, a cold shiver crawling up his spine as he tells him.  
_"I guess he blamed me."_  
Connor swallows as he nods, even if Jude can't see him. "He did."  
Jude nods, looks up and tells him, voice strained and glacial. " You have to go."

  
"Jude listen.."  
"Seriously Connor ?! He blamed me for taking advantage of him and you're still here trying to talk things out with me?" Connor doesn't flinch at Jude's tone.  
"Did you? "  
Jude laughs bitterly as his cheeks get flushed. "Does it matter?"  
"Yeah." Connor tells him. "It does."  
Jude finally looks up, eyes discouraged and absolutely sincere. "I didn't."   
Connor bits his lip and Jude doesn't know what that means. Is it a sign of discomfort? Disappoint? He's trying to refrain a smile? He's mad?

Jude doesn't know because he doesn't know everything about Connor, hell if he wants to.

  
"Okay. Good." Connor holds out his hand to him, voice calm and relaxed that makes Jude frown in confusion as he says. "We can go home."  
Jude's eyes widen as he looks at Connor's hand like it's a viscid disgusting thing covered with _shit._  
"Excuse me?"  
Connor finally lets his smile free as he repeats himself. "Let's go home. _You and me._ "

Jude's cheeks turn pink at Connor's words, at _' you and me'_ in particular, Jude's still confused..

  
"Connor... I.. I don't understand."

  
"This is not the right place to have this conversation, please, Jude? Can you come home with me?"

  
Jude has known Connor enough to know that he'd never trick Jude like this. He'd never lure him to his place by that handsome, hopeful smile. He's aware that the chances of Connor doing something like this are below zero but there's something into the deepest part of his mind suggesting him to trust his guts, that dark forebolding that has always seen right, whose he decided to not listen once and then.. something awful happened. 

  
"I.. I can't.. Connor. I'm sorry. Okay? _I'm sorry_ for all the trouble I've caused to your relationship with Ron. _I'm sorry_ He's made you believe how horrible person I am. _I'm sorry I've feelings for you_.. _I'm sorry_ I've screwed everything up. _I'm sorry_. Okay? _I'm so so s-sorry"_  
Jude starts trembling in the middle of his apologies, being pulled against a solid chest the moment right after that.  
He knows it's wrong, he's not his place to be, so close to Connor's heart but in this moment, despite every voice screaming at him that's the opposite of what imposed himself to do, _Jude feels at home._

  
"W-what did you say? "

  
Jude's body moves backwards at the realization of what he's just said but he finds Connor's strong arm encircled around his waist, keeping him there through an iron grip.   
"Jude?"  
"Y-yeah?"  
Connor's tongue darts out to lick his bottom lip and Jude's eyes are immediately drawn to that.  "What did you say?"  
Jude sighs. "I'm sorry I've screwed everything up."  
Connor smiles softly before whispering into his ear. "Before that."  
"That.. I'm sorry if he's made you believe how horrible person I am."  
"Jude." Connor's voice is filled with affection as he tells him. "You know what I mean."  
Jude closes his eyes as he breathes the magic words out. "I'm sorry I have feelings for you."

  
There's a silence after that, that honestly would scared Jude to death if he hadn't anything else to lose.  
He's about to open his eyes, _just a peek_ , he decides but then he feels a soft breath just against his lips, a pair of hands cupping his cheeks and a warm voice making his wish the most charming reality.

"You don't have to be sorry because I have feelings for you too."

Before a soft press of lips lingers against his own.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if You spot some typos or errors. (I've written this chapter on my phone and it makes editing a bit of a struggle.)


	8. You set my heart on fire.

Connor spends lots of sleepless nights before deciding to burn bridges with Ron.

He feels awful and a horrible human being because despite he tells himself he’s over him and his crazy/ jealous/deceiving ass, Connor can’t admit to himself that the true reason he needs to break up with Ron is because he’s developing strong feelings for someone else. But how do you tell someone that you accused, multiple times, of being too much paranoid that maybe -- and Connor requires appropriate to stress that out: _maybe --_ he’s been right all along?

He doesn’t know nor if Jude is into him or if he’s gay in the first place.. and what if he’s not? What if Jude rejects him? And what’s gonna happen with Ron? Is he gonna be willing to live with his ex and the guy is in love with? And what if Jude returns his feelings, Connor’s gonna probably rub it in Ron’s face and that’s just not fair... oh God, Connor’s brain is about to explode one of these days. 

“Connor?”

Connor looks up from his laptop, meeting Jude’s concerned eyes that never fails to remind him of a scared puppy.. damn, he needs to get a grip of his feelings. 

“Yes, Jude?”

Jude scoots over a bit to where Connor’s sitting on the couch with his laptop on his lap. 

“You look a bit off, today.. is everything okay?”

Connor wants to curse, _out loud_ , because of course, Jude would notice.

“yeah.. um.. Just over thinking, I guess.”

He watches Jude’s hand unconsciously reaching for his own and panic flairs through his whole body, so he quickly moves it away, pretending to type something on his keyboard.

He hears Jude’s soft gasp and it actually kills him, knowing that he’d caused that sound.

They stay in silence for a while, then Jude decides to break it. “You can talk to me. you know that.”

“Thank you,” Connor mumbles with a low voice. There're so many things he wants to say to Jude but He doesn't know _how_ because it's all messed up. This is completely fucked up and how hasn't he even thought about it? How hasn't he even taken into consideration the possibility to fall in love with someone as amazing as Jude?

Sounds completely ridiculous right now because what's not to fall in love about Jude? He's.. fuck. He's perfect, from head to toe! Starting from his big doe innocent eyes to his long slim legs and not to mention his big, _tender heart._ Connor looks at him and sees _pureness._ Someone that he will never be. Connor's not pure.. especially right now. His soul is rutting with guilt because he looks at Jude the way he's supposed to look at his boyfriend. Ron, a huge part of the equation. 

“I'm just stressed out between work, classes... Ron.. But that's okay. Hopefully, things will get better someday. ” Connor replies sharply. His head is about to explode and he can't deal with the disappoint flashing across Jude's eyes. Not right now. 

“Okay.” Jude says. Connor doesn't have to look into his eyes to know he's sorry. He's learned to decrypt his body language, in these past few months. "I totally get it." 

 

Ron knows things are reaching a breaking point.

He can feel his boyfriend is not the same person he used to be.

He argues it when Connor calls bullshits but Ron -- and Connor deep down knows that too-- that He's not the same since _that infamous night._ when Jude stepped into their lives like a tornado, wrecking their already fragile relationship and taking else everything apart.

_Connor's heart has been robbed off Ron's hands since that very moment._

 

It's like walking on eggs. 

Connor and Ron share feeble good morning and then go on separate ways for the rest of the day.

Their interactions happen in their bedroom out of Jude's reach so he probably hasn't noticed how tense things are deceived by Ron's smirks and glacial stares. 

Connor doesn't know what to do. Three weeks are passed and he still hasn't come to a conclusion, indeed, he's even more confused than before if that's even possible.

Ron senses what's coming for him so he's been sweeter than he's ever been in the past few years. He wooes the shit out of Connor and despite the cloudiness assaulting his brain, Connor has to admit it feels nice, being courted, taken care of, dragged to the movies but somehow Ron's attempts are just not enough because when Ron reaches for Connor's hand from above the dinner table, Connor imagines _Jude's hand_ and _Jude's eyes_ looking at him from the other end of the table, imagine his dorky smile and pale cheeks turning pink over the dim light of a candle.

Ron's smile fades as soon as he catches Connor's sad smile. _Something within Connor's and Ron's heart breaks for good._

 

Connor starts avoiding everyone.

He wakes up earlier than any other days, for two days in a row so that he's gonna avoid the two men before going to class. Leaving the house should finally give him some air but it's useless despite feeling like a prisoner in his own house because troubles walk out of the door with him.

When he comes home, one afternoon, he decides to stride towards his room but Jude's soft voice lures him towards the chanting voice. 

“Connor?”

Connor turns around finding Jude's eyes looking at him quizzically. “You hungry?”

“N-No,” Connor says. “No.. Jude, thank you.”

As usual Jude's able to read him like an open book. His lips quirking in a soft smile that he hopes will make Connor feel comfortable enough to talk to him.

“You know that if you’re looking for someone to talk to..”

Connor sighs, tempted like he’s never been before, to just run his finger through Jude’s hair and tell him that’s everything is okay and the only thing he needs is having Jude in his life.

_But he can’t._

“I know.. and I will.” Connor promises him with a soft voice and tired yet grateful eyes. “Thank you, Jude.”

"You are welcome.” Jude’s soft smile never ceases to make Connor feel that waves of heat spreading through his chest causing his heart to beat one mile a minute, with the force of it. Connor hasn’t ever felt like this in ages. He isn’t even sure if he has _ever_ felt like this with Ron, to be honest.

Long forgotten are the days in which their feelings for each other were strong and genuine, now all he feels is habit, routine. Compared to what he feels for Jude _, it’s a firecracker._

Connor decides it’s not fair to anyone to be stuck in this stalling situation.

He needs to take the fall so he decides to _finally_ talk to Ron.

 

He'/ not sure if that’s appropriate to call this _a sign_ from the sky but it certainly helps soothing the guilt swelling in his chest, just a bit, because it sucks anyway and Connor’s not in the right place to Judge -- since he’s about to break up with Ron, specifically because he has fallen in love with someone else-- but at least he’s enough of a decent human being to break up with someone before _‘cheating on him.’_

Ron clears his throat and Connor’s face snap from the phone in his hand, flickering to Ron’s confused frown on his face.

 “Something wrong? Why are you checking my phone?”

 "How long?” Connor asks very calmly for someone who has just discovered that his boyfriend has been cheating on him.

 “You need to be more specific, Connor. I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about your _heated_ conversation with a man called macho-man87?”

“Oh.” Ron’s mouth falls open forming an O. Connor's not sure if that's a smirk on his face, but his lips are definitely trembling. _“That.”_

“Yeah.” Connor repeats with a roll of his eyes and an eyebrow raised in bafflement. _“That.”_

 “It’s just for fun. Connor. It’s not a big deal.”

 Connor shakes his head as he gives a hollow laugh. “Not a big deal?! You literally asked him _his dick size_! Do you think I’m an idiot?”

 “It’s just for comparison, Connor.”

 Ron looks amused by all of this. Connor’s trying his best to not slam his fist into the nearest wall.

 

_Remember what you came for._

 

“Chill. Connor.. jeez. That’s just a friendly conversation. No need to freak out about th--“

 Connor exhales through his nose and spits out the words without missing a beat. _“I don’t love you anymore.”_

 Ron should have probably seen that coming but the shock on his face says otherwise. 

“Y-you.. are you for real, Connor? Jesus. You’re such a drama queen. That’s not what it looks like!”

 Connor lifts up his gaze from his fiddling hands and He repeats the world slowly as he locks eyes with him.

“I’m breaking up with you,” Connor tells to a very wrecked Ron before adding with the same, trembling voice. “Not because you’re cheating on me—“ he sees Ron’s mouth ready to rebut but Connor interrupts him quickly. “-- Or having _dubious_ friendly conversations with _macho-man87._ I’m breaking up with you because I realized that.. that I have feelings for someone else.”

 Ron’s eyes flash red as he takes a step towards Connor.

 “Don’t.” Connor warns him with a firm voice that makes Ron stop dead in his tracks. “It’s useless.”

 “Is it Jude? What I am saying.. of course he is.” Ron grimaces with a bitter tone in his voice. “I’ve known this all along and you’ve been telling me that I was just being paranoid the whole time! Well, Guess what, Connor? I was right and you know it! You’ve made a scene for some dirty texts but you still have the nerve to act so innocent about your feelings for Jude!” 

“I was honest whenever I told you that you were being paranoid. I.. _I couldn’t see it_ but now, it’s clear and I can’t keep pretending anymore. It’s not fair to you, or me, or Jude.

I’m being honest with you while you’ve been texting that guy behind my back while we were still together! That's not the same!” 

“As far as I’m concerned, Connor. _You’ve cheated on me._ Because I could see it, from the moment that _thing_ stepped into our home that you wanted to be with him! Whenever I held your hand, you imagined _his._ Whenever I kissed you, I could feel you were wandering with your head God knows where. Do you think I’m stupid? And yes. I’ve been searching for something you weren’t able to give me, _somewhere else!_ Is that such a bad thing?”

 “It is!” Connor shrieks in frustration, his heart beating fast and erratically inside of his chest causing a sharp pain to spread through his whole aching body.

“All I’ve ever done was _be there for him_ , as a friend! I’ve never discussed with Jude the size of my dick or negotiation kinks! _You did_.”

“Whatever, Connor. I'm not longer interested in carry on this one-sided conversation. I’m done wasting my breath. He’ll hurt you! Besides, You don’t know anything about him! 

“I know enough.” Connor sasses back, a tired look growing all over his face. This conversation is draining him out of energies. He really can't wait for this to be over. “I think. I think you should find a new place to stay at.” 

“Seriously?!” Ron spits out angrily, his voice reaching above an octave that makes Connor take an involuntary step backward. “Do I have to move out because you want to screw him and not feeling guilty about your ex-sleeping next door?”

“No,” Connor says with a soft blush creeping over his cheeks. _“I just think we all need a fresh start.”_

“You make me sick.” Ron breathes out before grabbing his keys and heading to the door. He’s not even wearing his shoes.

“Your shoes..”

“Fuck you!” Ron yells before slamming the door shut. 

Connor needs to sit down, he runs his hand over his face groaning against his palm. “It’s only 10. AM. This is going to be a long day.”

 

And it truly is because, almost six hours and a half later, Connor comes home and finds Ron running to him to the front door.

“Connor!”

Connor freezes on the threshold. Ron looks completely shaken, his face is scratched with tears and his eyes are red-rimmed and puffy. Ron throws himself into his arms and Connor’s too considerative of other’s people feelings to push him away, especially in those delicate conditions. He’s loved this man and _he’s still a human being,_ regardless of the current hatred he feels towards him.

Whatever must have happened, it has shaken him to the core. 

“C-Connor.” Ron’s sobbing against his neck as he hangs onto Connor for dear life. “H-he.. please, stay away from him.” 

Connor’s heart loses beats as he asks, voice trembling and shaken with fear. 

“W-what happened?”

Ron drags him to the couch and they both sit down. Connor waits for Ron to calm down tries not to push him _or_ the touch of his hand away. 

 _He’s still a human being._ Connor reminds himself. 

Ron starts talking, his head comes to rest against Connor’s shoulder and once again, _he lets him_ because he's upset and crying all over his flannel shirt. 

“I..I was looking for a towel and h-he s-startled me. W-we started talking and H-he a-accused me on making him feel unwelcomed here and.. and h-he pushed me on his bed.” 

Connor’s free hand clenches in a fist, rage firing up from the pit of his stomach, not knowing what to think in this moment. He just can’t imagine Jude doing something like that. _He can't._  

“I.. I asked him what the hell he was doing and he just told me to get the fuck out of this house. B-but t-that wasn’t even the worse part, you know? B-because he started moving against me.. h-his filthy erection swelling against my t-thigh. He was horny like an animal, Connor. H-he wouldn’t let me go. H-He kept saying that I’m sick in the head and that’s why y-you are sick of me, over and over again..” Fresh tears run down Ron’s cheek as he goes on. _“God. I was so scared, Connor.”_  

Connor wants to say something. He should say something. He just doesn’t know how to give voice to his thoughts without looking completely heartless before Ron’s eyes.

The thing is: Connor doesn’t believe in any of Ron’s words. He just tries to picture the scene in his head and every kind of scenario just doesn’t fit with the image he has of Jude.

He can’t see Jude do something like this, especially after something horrible must have happened in his past. What should he say? “Sorry, Ron. I just don’t believe you.” _Raw and brutally honest._

 He’s getting more pissed and frustrated with each passing second. He can’t believe he’s stuck in one of Ron’s absurd schemes. “Ron..”

 He hears him sniff, his puffy eyes meeting Connor’s hazel ones.

“Yeah?”

“I think you should go.” His eyes flicker to their joined hands and try to pull away, but Ron’s grip is apparently made of iron because he doesn't let him go.

 Jude steps into the apartment with hesitant steps. His eyes widen as soon as he catches their hands intertwined and suddenly there's heart break written all over his face. Connor’s petrified. He doesn’t know what to do, what’s the right thing to say. He just wants to live his story with Jude without hurting anyone but apparently, that’s an impossible feat.

 He hears a short intake of breath coming from Jude and then he sees him striding to his room. He doesn’t look at anyone in the eyes. He just runs away from them.

 Connor’s about to get up when his hand is being forcefully tugged down by Ron’s,

 “You don’t believe me.”

 “I..” Connor trails off with a sigh. There's not a nice way to say this, so he just utter the words out.. he doesn't specifically say: “I don't believe in your bullshits.” But it's quite close to that. 

“ _I believe in Jude.”_

Ron looks at him with sad, defeated eyes. _“It’s over..”_

 Connor nods. “ _It was a long time ago.”_

 Ron doesn’t say anything else. Just a feeble ‘I’ll pack my things.” As he watches Connor striding towards Jude room.

 

_Game over._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a filler chapter starring Connor's POV but I'm writing chapter 9, right now so it shouldn't take way too long :D


	9. Alive.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 8 and 9 has been posted in the same day so make sure to check the previous chapter first before this one :)

 Jude tells himself to relax and breathe. Yes. He needs to breathe. His mouth is quite occupied so he opts for nasal passages, instead. 

Yeah. _That’s better._

He inhales sharply before deciding to give Connor a sign that he’s still alive and reactive so he just closes his eyes, let Connor guide him through this.

This is Connor, the boy he has feelings for, kissing him under the rain like in the most romantic fictions and movies. He's in safe arms so he just lets his body relax, his hands clenching around Connor's jackets as to keep himself steady and savouring the taste of those lips he's been secretly dreaming of tasting, now they're finally _his_ to taste and kiss until are numb and swollen. So he just breathes softly and calmly against Connor’s eager lips, letting Connor’s arm to lace around his waist in order to pull him close.

Close. Jude totally endorses closeness. He needs it like the air's breathing.

He should probably touch Connor, too, right? Connor's probably wondering why Jude doesn't touch him So he lifts his hand and allows himself to touch the soft looking strands of Connor’s short hair at the nape of his neck.

Connor apparently likes it because he leaves a soft moan against Jude’s swollen lips. A rush of heat spreads through his lower stomach at the soft sound escaping Connor’s lips that pull away from his mouth for a second.

 _No. Come back, here._ Jude pouts despite the revival need of air in his lungs. He catches his breath, his eyes obviously never leaving Connor's.

Connor smiles with half-lidded eyes at Jude’s adorable neediness and doesn’t hesitate to pull him into a breathtaking kiss over and over again.

He's clearly unable to keep his smile at bay so he just presses it against Jude’s.

"Wow..” Jude pants breathlessly against Connor’s lips, his finger tracing the outline of his jaw, wandering, taking in every detail of his sun-kissed skin.

“Yeah.” Connor blushes as he clears his throat, his hand pressed over Jude’s back. “That was something..”

“Special.” Jude interrupts him with amused tone in his voice. He softly clears his throat then as a red velvet blush creeps over his cheeks. “ _And quite unexpected.”_

The look of happiness on Connor’s face breaks a little, his chest filling with unnecessary fear. Connor doesn't hesitate to ask with low pitched voice as fearing the answer.

“B-but was it welcomed, r-right? I..I mean, _you do not regret it._ Right?”

Jude looks at him for a long moment before bursting out in giggles. The sound feels like music to Connor’s ears. He wants to hear those sounds for the rest of his life, he actually wants to be the one to bring them out of Jude.

“Is this your way of asking me if I’m gay?”

Connor rightfully blushes at the question, but he nods. “Yeah. It was. Are you?”

Jude rolls his eyes as he presses a butterfly kiss on Connor’s lips.

He can’t help the bashful giggle coming from him as he takes in Connor’s flushed cheeks. He can’t believe he’s made him blush!

“What do you think?”

Connor wraps his arms around Jude’s waist before saying. “I think I’m very happy of your response.”

Jude’s still giggling when Connor’s lips land once again on his own.

 

There’s a cloud of anxiety looming over them as they step into the apartment.

Jude wraps his hands tighter around Connor’s arm as they close the door behind their back.

As to clear Jude’s mind from any sort of fears, Connor says softly into his ear. _“He’s gone.”_

Jude feels like he's the reason Ron has been kicked out of the house, which in a way he actually is, but not for the reasons he thinks. Connor couldn't keep neglecting his own happiness and it wasn't like Ron has been sitting around and knitting.

Connor has been the one breaking things off with him but the thought of those disgusting text messages is still printed in his mind, upsetting him deeply.

He's not sure if he's gonna tell Jude about that. He decided to break things off with Ron because he has feelings for someone else, that was something that obviously gave him the confirm that it was the right thing to do. They both weren't happy with each other anymore. It was clear as day. It was time to move on, _for the both of them._

“I can’t believe the most recent events.” Jude sighs as he sits down on the couch, patting the next seat for Connor to seat on. Connor happily obliges, taking his hand into his own. The still fresh, unused touch sends shivers over Jude's skin.

“I’m sorry for what he’s put your through.”

Jude doesn’t dislodge his gaze from their clasped hands, Still wondering if that's a dream or beautiful reality. “Can I ask you something?”

Connor nods, lifting his chin up so that he can look into Jude’s eyes.

“Sure you can. You can ask me or tell me anything you want. I’ll always be here for you, okay?”

Jude’s eyes fill with the bright light behind his eyelids. He can’t believe this man’s perfection. It’s unreal.

“The same goes for you.”

“I know.” Connor smiles at him. “What was your question?”

“You know nothing about me..”

“ _I want to.”_ Connor says gently. “From now we'll focus solely on us, on getting to know each other and get used to each other, in _that way.”_

There's clearly nothing sexual in Connor's implication but it still causes Jude to blush fervently.

Connor lets a wave of giggles escape his lips at the look of pure bewilderment written all over Jude's face.

“You're adorable.”

Jude blushes. “I should get used to your.. “ Jude trails off with a chuckle, searching for the most accurate words to describe his... _lover?_ They'll have this conversation later, Jude decides. _“Puppiness.”_ He says with pure pleasure filling his voice. Connor looks surprised by the label but he doesn't look displeased by it, either.

Jude watches as his puzzled expression breaks into the most blinding smile he's ever seen in his entire life.

Connor is still smiling as he reminds him. “Your question.”

Jude snaps back into reality as he gasps. “Oh yeah. Um.. I was wondering... Ron was your boyfriend.. and.. you decided to trust _me_ instead and I haven’t even denied it.. so.. why believe _me_ , that I'm a stranger compared to him, and not Ron, your historic boyfriend?”

Connor has seen this question coming, so he just shrugs. “I just have this feeling, you know?”

“How can you trust a feeling?”

“I just do,” Connor replies as he lifts Jude’s hand and presses a kiss over his knuckles. The gesture makes Jude’s cheeks flush. Oh God.

“I’ve just known, from the moment I met you, that there’s something good in you. I spent months trying to find an answer to that but that’s still unknown, you know? I just feel that you’re a good person who needs to be lo--” Connor, realizing the weight of that word, suddenly corrects himself. “ _To be taken care of._ And I want that. I want to take care of you and be with you. There's not a scientific reason behind it. _I just believe in you._ ”

There must be something in Connor's tone or pitch of voice that just.. breaks something in Jude making flood spill like a dam bursting open.

“C-Connor.”

Connor doesn’t hesitate to pull the boy into his arms and finds himself smiling into Jude’s hair when Jude’s arms fall around his neck. He doesn't want to hear Jude cry. This.. this is what they've been waiting for and now that it's finally theirs.. _tears are just not allowed._

“T-Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Jude, don’t cry.”

"B-But how I'm s-supposed to when y-you're so perfect? I can’t help it, m’kay?”

Connor snorts against his ear, his hand roaming soothingly over his back.

“I am not.” Connor sighs as his eyes flutter close, inhaling Jude’s vanilla scent in his hair. That shampoo smells good. “ I’m not perfect. I hurt someone In the worst way possible. Regardless of his actions, _I still hurt him._ ”

He hears Jude’s loud intake of breath against his neck. His soft voice mumbling against the warm skin. “Do you regret it?”

Connor shakes his head, laying a soft kiss on Jude’s hair. “I don’t. Because it led me to you.”

 

 


	10. Turn darkness into light.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MORE FLUFF.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this during my lunch break so I'm sorry if that's short.

They don’t even discuss it. They just go on separate ways before bed.

It’s too soon, anyway. Connor feels like they’re already one step ahead on any normal relationship since they’re already living together, but sharing a bed requires a level of intimacy they haven’t reached just yet. So that’s really okay. It feels right but that doesn’t mean They don’t reserve a treat before going to bed.

 

 _“Ouch.”_ Connor gasps as he pulls away from Jude. “Sorry! Did I hurt you?”

Jude shakes his head as he leans in to catch Connor’s lips once again.

Connor has just walked past Jude’s room before realizing that he was forgetting something important so he just caught Jude by his arm, spun him around and pushed him against his door.

They’re still kissing when Connor’s hand starts roaming beneath Jude’s soft shirt, raising goosebumps in its wake.

“Con..”

Connor tries not to push against the friction even if he’s tempted to.. but it’s too soon. He wants to make things right and this.. well, things are getting hotter in a matter of seconds and that's kind of the opposite of taking things slow.

He gets a grip on his roaming hand and he plants it firmly on Jude’s back, murmuring against his lips, _“I could kiss you for hours.”_

Jude tries to hide his blush by burying his face into the crook of Connor’s neck. “I wouldn’t stop you if you’d try. _I endorse it_ , actually.”

Connor chuckles against Jude’s ear, unable to dislodge his arms from Jude’s skinny waist. “That’s good to know.”

“We should probably go to bed,” Connor tells him even if he Really doesn’t want to. God, when has he become so sap? He’s never been this sap when he was with Ron.

He doesn’t need to question himself to know that Jude has everything to do with it. It’s Jude’s fault.

“Do we?”

Connor can’t help but smile at Jude’s whiny tone, realizing that it’s comforting that Jude’s almost as disgustingly sap as him.

“Yes.”

The outline of Jude’s smile is still pressed against his neck for one long more second before they pull away from their embrace.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

_That’s the sweetest promise anyone could ever make to Jude._

 

Jude steps in the room on trembling legs and smile everlasting on his face, he lifts his fingers touching his swollen lips as to make sure that it wasn't just a 

_“Holy shit. It truly happened.”_

He undresses with the smile on his lips, he gets into bed with that smile still planted on his face and when he falls asleep.. yup, that’s still there.

He wakes up without a smile on his lips because no one ever smiles at the thought to leave their bed, but then everything flashes back into his memory.

The smile comes back on his face as he quickly rushes out of his room. to find Connor sitting on the kitchen stool, sipping coffee. His eyes bright and happy as they find Jude’s eyes.

“Hello.”

“Hey.” Connor smiles. “What got you so happy this morning?”

_You._

“Everything.”

 _Which is almost the same thing_ , Jude realizes.

He sits down at the kitchen table and they chat a bit about the incoming day when Connor remembers.

“First day of work today, huh?”

“Yeah.” Jude gulps nervously. He’s terrified of screwing this up.  
Connor has given up on his part-time job for him --even if he's already made the decision to quit -- and he wants Connor to be proud of him and be a worthy replacement, and the thought of making some mistakes or being kicked out just terrifies him.

In particular because He has to pay Connor back for the money he's lend him when he first moved here and Connor keep saying that "it's fine," or "Money are not important." Which makes Jude almost spit out a loud, "What the fuck?"Like, yes, money are not everything but are a relevant part of their lives and without it how Jude can pay Connor back for everything -- and he means it when he says everything-- Connor has done for him? But no.. Connor's like "that's not s big deal. I got it covered." And that's just not fair.

“Hey..” Connor’s hand reaches for his own over the kitchen table. “Don't be nervous. Everything is going to be okay.”

“How can you be so sure? What if I screw this up?”

“You won’t.” Connor sounds so sure of it. Jude's not even surprised, to be honest.

“But even if you do, it's totally okay. If you make mistakes you'll learn from them."

Connor's positivity never fails to leave Jude absolutely breathless. 

It's amazing and inspiring.

Jude wants to be more like Connor, he decides. He wants to be just as positive, happy, strong as he is.

"It amazes me." Jude suddenly says with eyes blown wide with curiosity in it.

"What?" Connor asks with a quizzical edge in his voice as he intertwines their fingers together. It's like he can't get enough of Jude's touch. It's almost unhealthy how much he needs to feel Jude.

"You always know the right thing to say, how do you do that?"

Connor smiles as he gets up from the table, leaving the cup into the dishwasher before walking past Jude.

He leans over his shoulder to press a soft kiss on his cheek, breathing softly into Jude's ear -- as he was reading his deepest thoughts,  "You just inspire me."


	11. Happy.

Connor comes home one day after classes and decides to take Jude out on a date. It's very random and short noticed but somehow, it's the best night of Jude's life.

They go to the movies and spend half of the time making out in the back of the dark theater just like two teenagers on their first date, which, watching it from that perspective. It's not entirely false.

_Jude's living the young life he's never been allowed to experience, with Connor._

  
Connor. Sweet, loving Connor that has taken him into his arms and showed him that sometimes life decides to give you a gift.

It's soon. Jude knows that, but he also knows that he's never felt like this and if the love stories he's always watched in movies or read in books were genuine.. well Jude might have fallen a bit in love with him.

Jude tightens his grip on Connor's arm as they leave the movie theater. He's still not used to public display of affection so clinging to Connor seems like the most natural thing in the world.

"Did you like the movie?"

Jude rolls his eyes at the question, a look of fake annoyance -- because making out with Connor will never be considered as a bad thing -- on his face as he sighed. " If I only saw the movie.."

"Huhu. I call bullshit.I remember you were pretty _hooked_ by Patrick Dempsey's appearances."

"I just wanted him to be the baby daddy!"

Connor's eyebrow quickly quirk up just as the teasing smirk blossoming on his face. "Yours or Bridget's?"

"Bridget's. You ass."

Connor laughs as he drapes his arm over his shoulders. Jude happily leans into the embrace, letting out a soft sigh of happiness.

This.

_This is the true meaning of happiness._

"Connor?"

Connor's arms (unpleasingly) fall off Jude's shoulder as he turns around. Jude hears him clear his throat as he walks to the short woman standing few feets away from them with a soft smile on his face.

"Daria. Hey."

Connor wraps his long arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a brief hug. "It's so nice to see you!"

"It is." Connor agrees with a soft smile in his voice. Jude wonders who that woman is.. it doesn't take long until he finds out.

"Who's this?" The woman asks Connor. Her big brown eyes looking straight at Jude.

Connor gives a quick look at Jude, still frozen there, from over his shoulder. He walks back to where Jude's standing and takes Jude's hand into his own.

"Daria, meet Jude." Connor says sweetly, his smile getting wider as he utters the following words out. _"My boyfriend."_

Jude's honestly surprised when the woman lets out a shriek of joy, throwing herself into his arms and wow. Okay. Jude wasn't expecting this.

He's given for granted that the woman was also Ron's friend since she seems to be quite acquainted with Connor.

"It's so nice to finally meet you!"

"Same for me!"

"Okay, okay." Connor laughs as he pulls the two of them apart from their embrace. Jude can't help but giggle when Connor wraps his arms around his waist, murmuring into his hair, _"Enough with that."_

Daria grins as she slaps him playfully on his arm. "Look at you being a jealous ass!"

Jude laughs and wishes to see more of Connor's jealous flair.

"Can you take some steps back? You're still in his reach."

Daria rolls her eyes, a soft smile tugging up her lips. "Oh fuck you very much."

"I love you, too," Connor tells her with a playful edge in his voice.

"So..." Jude clears his throat. "Do you talk about me to your friends?"

Connor's face flushes red and buries it into the crook of his neck and shoulder in a way to hide from the dreaded question. Likely for Jude, Daria's very talkative.

"Oh yeah... Jude's there. Jude's that. Jude's done this. Jude's done that."

"Aaaand that's my cue," Connor tells them, a pink blush covering his cheeks. "I'm quite thirsty. I'll go grab a coke or something. Do you want something?"

Jude shakes his head. Connor nods his head as he presses a soft kiss behind his ear, sending shivers down his spine, before walking towards the entry of movie theater.

"Must be very boring for you.." Jude tells her once Connor's gone. She shakes his head as he gives Jude's shoulder a light squeeze.

"I'll never get bored of seeing Connor so _happy_."

Jude bits his lips to hold back a smile but when he sees the tears forming at the corner of Daria's eyes... well.. he can't hold back anymore.

He smiles so hard that his jaw is probably gonna ache in a bit.

"Can I hug you?"

Jude nods because yeah. he needs someone to hold him too, right now.

"He got that look in his eyes whenever he talks about you. I don't even know how to begin to describe it."

"That's the same for me."

"Please, Jude.. I'm begging you. " Daria whispers into his ear. "Don't break his heart."

Jude inhales sharply through his nose as he gently rubs her back. "I'll never hurt him."

Someone's clearing his throat and Jude has this wide grin on his face when they turn around and see Connor with beverages in his hands and an eyebrow arched up. His eyes flicker to Daria's first.

" _You._ Do I need to file a restraining order to keep you away from my boyfriend?"

Daria laughs, raising her hand in surrender and taking a step back.

Jude drags his bottom lip between his teeth because even though Connor's tone is utterly playful, he still doesn't want to show his disrespect for his jealousy, and then because Connor being a jealous ass is so endearing that really makes him want to watch another movie, right now.

"And _you_. Mister. You better behave yourself, under my watch, or I'll never make those pancakes you like, ever again."

Jude lets out a dramatic moan as he tells him with eyes sad and pleading. "No! You can't deprive me of my pancakes! those are the reason I'm waking up in the morning!"

Daria laughs as Connor rolls his eyes. "I think he only keeps me for food."

Daria nods as a wide smirk flashes across his features. "That's a pretty valuable reason, after all."

 


	12. A little bit of me and a little bit of you.

  
It’s a lazy Sunday evening and there’s nothing Jude wants more than cuddle on the couch with his boyfriend, before going back to the working life the following day.

Jude’s the little spoon, being held by Connor’s strong arms pressing him against his chest where he can hear the loud thump of his heart beats.

They’re distractedly watching a movie about a girl, losing her father and living with her step-mom and something quite upsetting settles inside of Jude’s chest.

Jude can't bring himself to look away from the screen where the little girl is being shamelessly pestered by the woman and the room suddenly feels too small for Jude Jacob.

Connor suddenly feels him going rigid his arms, his eyes start filling with tears because he knows that Connor wants to know.. he’s just too much of a decent person (almost on an unreal kind of way.) to push him into talking about things he’s not ready to. But Jude finally feels like trusting Connor enough to, at least, make him aware of few things about his past that keeps haunting him from miles and miles away.

“Jude..”

“I lost my father. He died from liver cancer. ” Jude decides to rip off the band-aid, there's not a pleasant way to tell this so he blurts the words out through a loud exhale of breath.  
Connor doesn’t reply, he just hears him breathing sharply through his nose, from behind him.

“I’m sorry..”

“That’s okay.” Jude replies flatly, indicating, by the sharp edge in his voice, that it’s not. It’s not okay. Even after all these years, it still seems unreal that Jude had lost both of his parents. That Jude is alone in the world.

“I lost my mom first.”

Connor’s soft voice asks him to turn around. Jude’s not sure he can’t bear this conversation while keeping up with the intensity of Connor’s eyes looking right at him, but he turns into his arms anyway.

“Jude.” Connor says, holding up his chin. “Look at me.”

Jude does as being told. He looks up and although he expected to find two pairs of sympathetic eyes looking at him, he’s pleasingly surprised he doesn’t. Connor’s looking at him with sadness in his eyes but as far as Jude can tell, he can’t find pity in them. Good. Jude doesn’t want to be pitied. He has never wanted to. He wanted someone to be able to trust and be his happy place.

Jude feels mixed up emotions as he starts telling Connor about his life, what tops them all is relief.  
With every shaky breath, Jude exhales, He Feels like his soul has been finally purified from all the dirt that he’s been putting up to, for the most part of his life.

“My mom died in a car accident,” Jude tells him and even though Connor doesn’t dare to ask, Jude adds, completely unrequired.

“She was drunk.”

Connor is patient and perfect as usual. He lets Jude speak and never, not even once, interrupts him.

“Depression and alcohol don't go hand in hand.” Jude gives a hollow, almost sarcastic laugh before he goes on with trembling voice. “So, It was my dad and I, from that moment. We made a pretty good team.. he was the only person I could trust and rely on and—“ Jude had to take a deep breath before exhaling, “He was the best father I could ever ask for. He.. h-he was so brave, Connor.. he was the sheriff of the small town we lived in and I’d look at him, whenever he’d come home at night, and thought: I want to be like him when I grow up.”

“I bet he’d be very proud of you..” Connor murmurs with sad edge in his voice. It must not have been easy, Connor thinks, to lose both of his parents at such young age.

“He met _this woman_ when I was like sixteen. She showed up at the police station and claimed that she'd been attacked and robbed by a delinquent. My father came home that night with heart eyes." 

"Oh.” Connor smiles. “That was love at first sight.”

The smile on Connor's face quickly disappears when Jude lets out the most sarcastic laugh he's ever heard from Jude. His eyes empty and blank as he murmurs under his breath. “That woman ruined our lives.”

Mine in particular, Jude thinks.

“What happened?” Connor asked. “I mean.. if you want to tell me..”

“She played her cards just right and in a matter of six months convinced my father to get married..”

“So she became your step-mom.”

“Yeah..” Jude sighs heavily, his heart racing in his chest. “I’ve never fully trusted her.. She was all smiles but I could tell she was full of bullshit.. oh, and she has a daughter..”

“So you also have a step-sister.”

Jude’s mouth wrinkles in disgust. He couldn’t help it.. that thing.. that disgusting thing has never been his sister, or something remotely close to that. The apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree, after all..

“Yeah.”

Anger starts firing up through his whole body, his hands fisting until his knuckles become white. Talking about these things is harder than Jude thought and he hopes Connor understands how much it takes him to trust him like this and how happy it makes him to be able to rely on him, like this.

“Jude.. it’s okay.”

“Stop.. stop, saying that.” Jude exhaled, his eyes shutting close because Connor’s voice was too soft and understanding, his eyes too warm and filled with love and Jude couldn’t bear with that. Not now. “It’s.. it’s not okay. It will be, maybe.. one day, but everything is just too messy and complicated and I just wish to erase them all from my memory, you know? I try.. I try so hard to pretend it never happened to me but it's so fucking hard."

Jude’s words were muffled by Connor’s lips falling against his own.

“That’s an interesting way to shut me up..”

Connor’s glad to see a soft smile tugging on his lips. “I would never shut you up. I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you, to listen to whatever things you have to say. I’d never push you, either and you have no idea how much it means to me, that you trust me enough to share all these things with me.”

“I think it was due time..” Jude breathes, resting his head against Connor’s chest.. his eyes falling close, lulled by the erratic thump of his heart beats.

“Are you tired?” Connor’s voice is delicate and understanding. Jude hides his smile against his chest as he lets out a soft yawn.. the whole sight takes Connor’s breath away.

“A bit..” Jude confesses. Talking about these things would have been so much easier if Jude got over it, but he hasn’t. It’s hard to move on from hell.

“Thank you for trusting me.”

“I trust you.” Jude sighs contentedly, staring up into Connor’s hazel eyes. “I’ll tell you the whole story, one day..” Jude starts, cutting off by Connor’s lips on his own.

“Jude. Stop. That’s more than enough.”

“Thank you, Connor.” Jude means it, it’s clear in his voice. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

“You know..” Connor says. “I think I’ve been a bit luckier than you but my life hasn’t been a bed of roses, either...”

“What do you mean?”

“I came out to my parents just before starting college. My parents were still together at the time but I could tell they didn't love each other, anymore... I guess that my coming out made them hit rock bottom.”

“Didn’t they take it well?”

Connor’s fingers keep brushing through Jude's hair as he speaks. “My father kicked me out of the house.”

Jude’s eyes go wide in shock. Connor has always been bright and sunny, always so incredibly positive that it's really hard for Jude to picture a scared eighteen-year-old disowned by his own father..  
“What about your mom?”

“She flipped out.” Connor says flatly. “She packed her things and never came home again.”

“C-Connor.. oh my God.”

Connor nods as he breathes softly against his hair. “She showed up last year.. wanted to reconnect with me.” Connor speaks out the following words while doing air quotes. _“Wanted her son back.”_

“H-have you ever thought about you know... reconnecting with her?”

“Sure I did.” Connor’s voice sounds really firm about that particular subject. “I just never wanted to. While My father disgraced me from the family.. she.. she moved God knows where, without even saying goodbye.. not even a _‘Bye, son. Have a nice life.”_

“That’s awful... I’m so sorry you had to put up with all of that on your own..”

“I had no choice.” Connor kisses him gently before resting his head on top of Jude’s, leaving soft kisses from time to time into his soft hair. “I know what it feels like to be alone in the world.”

Jude can’t help the words dripping from his lips, Meaning every single one of them with his whole heart. _“We’re not alone, anymore.”_


	13. Surprise!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you find typos or errors.
> 
> I've edited this after a long day at work so I might have skipped something. Anyway.. enjoy :)

Connor doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it. He knows that’s not what Jude would want.

Aside from his name, the only basic information that Jude has given him after two months he’s started living at his place was his surname which is Jacob, and his date of birth. He hasn’t brought that up since that conversation but Connor remembers it, he remembers every smallest detail Jude has shared with him about his life, and he’s planning on doing something nice for Jude for his special day.  
Connor calls Daria and few other friends and invites them over for a small party in Jude’s honor. He’s afraid that Jude might not like since he’s only met Daria so far and Connor has been debating for a few days now, but finally, he’s made his decision. Everything is settled. Jude’s gonna come home from work in few minutes and Connor can't absolutely stop shaking from fear and excitement, hitting him all at once.

“Connor, can you please calm down?”

“What if he doesn’t like this?”

“Like what, exactly? Apart from few balloons and a happy birthday banner, I don’t really see the harm.”

“You always know the right to say, Taylor.” Daria deadpans with a roll of her eyes while the other girl, Taylor sticks her tongue out.

“Could you please stop bickering like an old couple?”

“We’re not—“

“Yeah. Okay.” Connor interrupts her with a roll of his own eyes. “ You’re not dating, blah blah blah.”

Taylor raises her eyebrow, taking a sip of her beer. “We’re just slowly getting acquaintances with each other—“

“Feelings.” Daria swoops in very quickly, a soft blush covering her pale cheeks.  
Connor’s too nervous to deal with the sexual unresolved tension between his two best friends, besides... Jude’s finally home.

“Connor?”

Connor opens his mouth but nothing comes out but a puff of air. Oh God.

“He’s here!” Daria mouths excitedly. Taylor smiles as he puts her beer on the coffee table. She throws a dubious look into Connor's direction and as predicted, Connor’s completely freaking out.

He's gone pale in the face, his hands are sweating so much they could fill a glass of water.

“Connor?” Jude’s voice calls his name again from over the kitchen, sounding confused and a bit scared by the odd silence echoing through the whole house.  
Connor hears fast steps approaching and then Jude finally steps into the living room with eyes wide and confused.

Jude’s eyes flicker to Connor’s pale face for a long moment before looking at the two girls standing right behind him.

Someone should really say something, Daria thinks as he throws a quick look at his helpless friend, so she decides to break the ice since Connor's apparently having a momentum.

“I speak on behalf of all of the guests, here..” Daria chuckles as he walks towards Jude, pulling the boy into a tight hug. “Happy birthday!”

Jude’s still bewildered by the nice surprise, his eyes meet Connor’s from over Daria’s shoulder. He can’t help the bashful smile that comes when he’s met by Connor’s wide eyes filled with fear, emotion, happiness all in one. For a moment he's thought the worst. Coming home and finding no one scared the hell out of him since Connor was supposed to be home way before him but Connor has surprised him with this pleasant reunion, for his birthday. Jude couldn't be any happier.

Jude’s being pulled away by Taylor’s tiny hand, “My turn!” She hugs Jude briefly even though there haven't been proper introductions between the two of them. Jude doesn’t mind. Taylor’s shorter than him so he’s pretty easy to watch Connor’s face break into a bright, carefree smile that melts Jude's heart.

“Happy birthday! I’m Taylor, by the way.”

“I’m Jude.”

“Connor?” Daria elbows him in the hip, bringing him out of his momentarily break- down. “Wish your boyfriend a happy birthday.”

Connor doesn’t need to be told twice. He strides towards Jude, hoping to not fall down with face on the floor because that would be highly embarrassing.

Jude gives a strangled laugh when Connor’s hand cups him by his cheek, pulling the birthday boy into a breathtaking kiss.

Jude’s so lost in the kiss and Connor that doesn’t even hear the loud coughs coming from behind them.

“Jeez.. save some for later.”

"Oh there will be plenty." Connor promises which something in his voice that Jude has never quite heard since he's moved there.  
It makes him blush, profusely, and causes him to take a deep inhale of air at the sweet premise, dripping off Connor's lips.

Connor's fingers intertwining with his own snap him back from the random moment of daze, his eyes looking for Connor's, finding the words to express how thankful he is. How amazing boyfriend Connor is to him.

"Thank you. You really didn't have to.." all I need is you, Jude thinks as he looks at his boyfriend's amused smile.

"I know. I wanted to. Besides, I wanted to introduce you to my friends and I thought: what's a better occasion than this?"

"I'm glad I've met them." Jude says with soft smile in his voice. Connor clears his throat before announcing that there are going to be few more people. "They are on their way."

"Okay." Jude tells him. Happier than he's ever been because Connor has planned a birthday party for him. Connor remembered his birthday and did something nice for him and there's nothing in this world that can ruin Jude's mood. "I can't wait to meet them!"

Jude takes that back.. well, not entirely. Carter and Tyler are okay.. they're a bit too shy and laugh at Jude's lame jokes while playing Monopoly, but there's this guy, Alexander, that just... Jude can't stand how close he leans to Connor, okay? Jude's never been the possessive, jealous kind of guy (he also never had a reason to be, to be fair.. still.). This guy's getting on his nerves. Every time he thinks Jude's looking away, he sees him leaning in to whisper something into Connor's ear and Connor... naive, harmless, Connor laughs at whatever shit he's whispering to him.

There's nothing Jude can do more than just drape his arms around Connor's shoulders... leans against his chest whenever Connor's arm snakes around his waist, or give a pretty loud exhale of contentedness anytime Connor kisses him on the lips.

Someone suggests to play a new game and Jude's totally on board with it, not because he's basically gone bankrupt and tried to bribe Connor into buying his properties in favor of kisses...

Connor's really competitive on the game, Jude notices.

They decide to play Pictionary. Jude tries to argue when he's forcefully being dragged by Taylor, Daria, and Carter into their team. He's not reached that level of clingy. He's just frustrated by the endless attempts of Alexander to flirt with Connor, because that's what he's doing, okay? He's flipping his a longest strand of hair between his finger as he lets out a loud laugh at something Connor has just said. Jude's vision goes red when he watches Alexander bit his lip as to refrain a laugh and slaps Connor playfully on his arm. "Oh, you..." All of that while eye-fucking him.

Jude's not an idiot, okay? he can see when someone's basically eating his boyfriend with their eyes and that's what Alexander is doing.

He's sure of that.

"Let's kick their asses."

Alexander draws something resembling a poop and Jude's tempted to say. "Oh, that's you! Ten points to our team."  
He just keeps throwing glances at his boyfriend which is clearly putting so much effort in guessing what that shit is.

Guess what? That's an ice cream.

"How did you even guess?" Jude asks Taylor, completely shocked in the face because in which alternative universe that would represent an ice cream? Come on..

Taylor shrugs, a smug smile on her face as she tells him. "We've been playing this game for years and it's always the same shit."

Well, that explains a lot.

It's Jude's turn. The card says eggplant and Jude legit wants to be swallowed down by a sudden hole breaking the ground, right now.  
He's never been that good at drawing, but Jesus, it's supposed to be easy to draw a freaking eggplant.

His eyes falls close in embarrassment as he hears someone whispering. "What is that.." "Is that a banana?" Well, close enough. Jude's not prepared to the giggles, or the whispering, or.. the innuendos. Especially the innuendos.

"Jude, you're a lucky man." Carter whistles and okay.. Jude wants to die, right now.

"That's so long." Tyler observes with amused pitch in his voice.

Connor doesn't say anything, thank God his boyfriend is the best man he's ever come across in his entire life.

Jude bears with the jokes and sexual innuendos for the longest five minutes of his life. It's bad enough that he has to bear Alexander's giggles and his hand constantly finding an excuse to touch Connor.. as to call him or whisper the answer in his ear...

The game reaches its breaking point when Jude hears him ask, voice smug and provocative that makes Jude's eyes go wide.

"Is that Connor's shaft?"  
Jude imposes himself to breathe and let this go. This asshole is not worth it. It's his birthday and no one can ruin it... but then the weight of those words hits him square in the chest, like a freaking brick and the words leave his mouth without even intending, or maybe Jude's just fucking done of this asshole that doesn't seem to keep his hands to himself.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

Silence falls over them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably gonna be the last update before New Year.. My working schedule in the next few weeks doesn't allow me to write more updates.
> 
> I have, though, finished the first half of chapter 14 so if I manage to write the whole chapter, I'll post it!


	14. Not the kind of surprise one would hope for

"Jude.."

Jude doesn't want to make a scene, not on his birthday and not after everything Connor has done for him.

He's a gentleman but he also won't allow some prick to treat him like an idiot.

"Can I talk to you?"

Connor blinks few times, just to make sure he's seen wrong but no. Jude's not addressing to him, he's talking to Alexander.

The man shrugs his shoulders, standing up from the couch with a loud sigh. His expression bored and almost irritated as he tells Jude to Lead the way.

All it takes is to step into the kitchen for Jude to turn around, glaring at the young man standing across from him, his back resting against the closed door.

"What's your problem?"

"What's my problem?" Jude repeats the same words but with a fired up edge in his tone. The boy wants to know what's wrong? Jude's ready to  
serve it on a silver plate. "You're the one that can't seem to keep yourself at distance from my boyfriend."

Alexander looks at him with a blank expression. Jude wants to call him out on being so fucking apathetic with his facial expressions and pretty much everything else. He lets it go when Alexander finally deems him worthy of a response.

"Your boyfriend doesn't seem to mind being close to me." Jude would be pleased to differ and he's ready to it, but then Alexander adds in a voice that can only be described as haughty.  
"besides.. we've been friends for over three years and you're in his life since when?"

Jude can't hold back the incredulous laugh escaping at that. Kids these days.

"Is this your 'bros before hoes' speech?"

Alexander just shrugs an unimpressed look written all over his face that Jude would be very glad to slap away if he wasn't a pacifist.  
"You said it, not me."

Jude rolls his eyes, deciding to cut the crap. "I'd like you to keep your hands to yourself, from now on... got it?"

Jude's voice is filled with frustration Hoping that Alexander would finally get the message and hopefully go home, but Jude's life has never been easy and Alexander doesn't seem to like being told to do something, in fact, he looks at Jude as he's just asked him to give him a million of dollars.

"Please go home."

"Are you kicking me out?"

Jude can't believe he's asking that question. "Yeah. I am."

The man snorts indignantly, not moving from the spot. "This is not your house."

Well, true, but Jude pays rent now.. technically it sort of is. No, scratch that. Connor has never ceased to remind him that this is his home too. Jude's tired of pretending otherwise.

"This is my house too. I live here with Connor."

Jude has thought several times about saying that out loud but he's never achieved that purpose.

This is the first time ever he's referred to his place as his home and damn, it feels good.

The proud moment gets brutally spoiled when the kid throws a deadpan glare at Jude, spitting out the words through a loud grunt.

"I'll leave when Connor tells me to leave."

"Connor what?"

Jude lets out an empty laugh as Connor steps into the room, his eyes flickering from Jude's face to Alexander's wondering what the hell is going on. Jude looks at the quizzical eyebrow raised in confusion on the boy's face, wondering how good can he can look even with a quizzically look flashing across his face. "What's going on?"

Alexander's still laughing as he tells Connor with whimsy tone, as he already knows what the answer would be. "This kid wants me to leave."

Connor's confused eyes met Jude's. "What? Why?"

Jude lowers down his gaze, biting his lips. "He was all over you." He ignores the shocked 'what?" coming from Connor's lips. "He wouldn't stop flirting and touching you throughout the whole night! He did it on purpose!"

Alexander snorts again, shaking his head in disbelief. "Connor can you please put a collar on this kid?"

"Get out." Jude repeats angrily, ignoring Connor's eyes. "I don't want to be around you on my birthday!"

“Jude..”

Jude’s incredulous eyes flicker to Connor’s, “What?”

“Maybe we should all calm down..” Connor says, running his hand over his hair. “Alexander, Jude is my boyfriend and I think you should listen to whatever he has to say.”

“Since when you let him boss people around in your house?”

“This is my house, too!” Jude can’t hold back the loud groan of frustration escaping his lips.  
He needs to calm down and the only way he seems to be able to cope with the wave of rage, firing up from the pit of his stomach, is to pace the room.

“Connor is my boyfriend. I’m with Connor.” Jude feels the reviving need to stress that out. “All I’m asking you if you have some respect left in your body is to leave him alone. Jeez. All I’m asking here is to keep your hands to yourself! Connor is not interested in you and It’s clear as day that you’re attracted to him, more than just platonically so do everyone a favour and leave him alone, man.”

There’s something in the way Alexander is biting a smirk that just doesn’t feel right to Jude. Something quite unease creeps through his chest with each passing seconds watching Alexander bits out a laugh through a cough.

Somehow the air becomes even tenser.

“What?”

Alexander bits his lips, shrugging his shoulders just lightly. “Nothing..”

“It doesn’t look like nothing to me.” Jude insists with eyebrow raised quizzically. Something creeps withing him.. a dark foreboding shaking him right to the core. He suspects what it is all about. It’s clear from the way Alexander seems to act. all cocky and in an "I know better" kind of way.

"Jude.." Connor looks like he's sweating cold, as he tries to keep the peace between the boys. "You have nothing to worry about.. Alexander is just a friend."

When Alexander gives another shrug of his shoulders and Jude is more than tempted to actually push him against a wall to keep him still, this time.  
Starting from the cockiness oozing from every pore ending to his facial expressions and the 'I'm better than you' looks that actually make Jude wrinkle in rage.

A Glacial silence falls above them when Alexander admits with fake innocence dripping from his lips. “It’s not my story to tell..”

Jude's eyes flutter close as he lets out a loud breath of air. He doesn't want to deal with this conversation, anymore.

“Get out.” Jude spits out, followed by a wave of laughter filling the air.

Keep calm. Jude imposes to himself. He’s just trying to mess with your head. He’s lying. Jude wants it to be a lie. It has to be a lie cause then Connor will have to explain what has gone through his head when he's decided to invite his former lover? Boyfriend? One time thing? to his party.  
  
What if it is the truth? Jude wonders. And why Connor hasn’t mentioned to Jude during one of the frequent cuddles time in the past hours? He has had the chance to bring that up maybe in between one cuddles time and the following one.

Anger rises up from the pit of his stomach realizing how a fool he's been, throughout the whole time sitting there next to his boyfriend and watching him being touched by his ex.. something.

Waves and waves of questions flood through his mind one mile a minute.

Is he even an ex? What if they just slept together? Even if they slept together, Connor would act so normally in front of him? Is he really this shallow?

Only in this exact moment, Jude realizes he knows nothing about his boyfriend and this concern needs to be fixed, right now.

He can't be fixed with Alexander still in the mixer, though. He needs to go.

“Get out.”

Finally, Alexander seems to get that he's not welcomed in that house, anymore. Jude's so upset that he doesn't even consider this as a victory.

It's not.

He gets what he wanted but it still feels like he's the one losing the war, right now.

“Okay.” Alexander’s voice sounds mildly bored. “I have better plans than this lame party, anyway.”

He doesn't say goodbye, Jude notices, not that he's surprised by that fact. He's only surprised that he doesn't even care to say goodbye to Connor.

"Jude?"

Jude's too enraged and upset right now to deal with Connor's apologetical tone in his voice.

"Look at me.. please."

Jude does look at Connor and as predicted he's met by two scared hazel diamonds locking with his own.

He can't hold back the loud sigh escaping his lips as he watches Connor taking few hesitant steps towards him. He can't bring himself to bites back the words slipping from his lips as well. "We need to talk, Connor."


	15. I see nobody but you.

At Jude’s dead serious tone in his voice, Something deep within Connor’s heavy chest starts twitching, causing some cold sweat to run down his forehead.

“Okay.” Connor is on board with that. He wants nothing but talk to his boyfriend so that he can explain himself, clarifying Alexander’s spot in Connor’s life, but there’s something urging to come out.

Connor’s almost tempted to shove it away, for now, considering how tense Jude looks at this exact moment but then, when the urge starts kicking in at some deep, unbearable lever he just murmurs a low “Fuck it.” under his shaky breath, earning a curious look from Jude.

He wets his dry lips before uttering the words out. It’s a question actually that he hopes Jude won’t take down.

“Can I hold you?”

Curiosity and a look of utter queerness flash across Jude’s face. He looks so startled by the odd question that doesn’t give Connor a reply for the longest second of Connor’s life, maybe considering pro and cons that will follow that request.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Connor doesn't miss a beat as he asks.“Why?”

Jude’s mouth fall open, blinking twice before closing it again, probably at loss of words.

“Because.” He tells him, finally. “We’re having a serious conversation and I don’t think that’s appropriate for you to hold me whilst doing that.”

Jude’s tone sounds firm but not severe and that honestly makes Connor’s heart beat faster than necessary. He gives an involuntary sigh of relief as a random realization hits him causibg him to smile.

That's probably the least appropriate moment to do so considering the delicate circumstances but Connor doesn’t exactly look like being able of keeping the smile at bay. He bits his lips at Jude’s questioning, blown wide eyes, feeling a little shit because his boyfriend is clearly upset and hurt while Connor.. well, he's still smiling like a loon. He tries his best but nothing seems to refrain that smile to creep on his lips.

Jude tilts his head to the side as he looks at him in a way as to say. ‘Seriously? Why the hell are you laughing, right now?’

“Okay.” Jude sighs eventually, giving up on every attempt to refrain himself from giving voice to the inevitable question.  
“Why are you smiling?”

Connor raises his eyes to the ceiling as he gives a low chuckle. He seems at loss of words and Jude’s really starting to questioning his boyfriend’s mental wellness. It takes Connor a while, involving a round of deep breaths, but after what it feels like forever Connor finally sobers up.

Well, he tries to and he deserves at least some appreciation, isn’t he?

“I..I Just realized this is our first fight as a couple and it’s just.. um.. “ maybe realizing how silly it sounds --Jude’s shocked frown on his face is more than an incentive for him to just drop the subject --makes Connor say, utterly embarrassed of himself. “Never mind..”

Connor’s flushed face steals a small smile out of Jude. Well, at least that’s a positive note, isn’t it?

“It’s not a fight.” Jude cares to explain, his deep brown eyes looking into Connor’s.

“It’s just more like a realization that hit me.”

Jude can't help but eye the slow motion of Connor’s body taking a small step towards him. His pleading eyes causes Jude’s heart to rock inside of his chest and only in this moment Jude realizes how screwed he is, cause Connor’s eyes are the most dangerous weapon he’s come across in his entire life.

  
Connor stops dead in his tracks just when there are just two inches keeping them physically apart. No part of their bodies are actually touching although he clearly sees Connor’s hands well-behaved at his sides, Itching to touch skin.

Jude gulps at the closeness between their bodies. He feels the electric air floating around them and feels the need to just let Connor hold him. Connor’s eyes silently mouth that question again and Jude this time can’t possibly deny that request, not when it's exactly what he wants.

He gives a soft --almost indiscernible-- nod of his head but Connor’s eyes are so incredibly fixed on every smallest detail of Jude’s blemished skin that he seems to catch the gesture almost immediately.

  
Jude feels his body about to combust as soon as he’s wrapped in Connor’s whole persona that never fails to make him feel a bit at loss air.  
His scent, his face buried into the crook of his neck letting out a loud wounded sound that vibrates against his skin only to become a trembling breath right afterward, his hands encircling Jude’s waist pulling him impossibly close to his beating heart.

“This won’t make things better.”

Jude murmurs softly. His voice muffled against Connor’s shoulder while his eyes flutter close, unconsciously leaning against the soft touch of Connor’s hand brushing the skin at the base of his neck is leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake.

“I know.” Connor exhales breathlessly. “I just needed to be close to you.”

Jude can’t bring himself to roll his eyes at the sincere words since everything, indeed, feels better now that he’s in Connor’s arms.

“It wasn’t my intention to keep something from you, Jude. It feels irrelevant, right now. It was a long time ago and—“

“Was he your boyfriend?”

Connor doesn't immediately give Jude a positive or negative response to that question and it’s the only answer Jude needs, right now.

“Okay.” Jude’s voice is calm despite the revival need to break something. “Thank you for your answer, Con.”

“He has been my first... like... you know..”

Jude’s cheeks flush red, a hint of possessiveness flooding through his chest at the revelation that Jude can’t quite explain. He needs to focus on more pressing matters than his jealousness over someone belonging to Connor's past.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it doesn’t matter.” Connor presses a soft kiss into his hair that doesn’t fail to make Jude feel a bit sleepy into his arms. “He’s in my past. You are my present..”

Connor's lips are slightly parted as he's meant to add few more words.

It's okay, according to Jude. He gets it, and he wants the exact same thing. There's no need to say that out loud so soon. They'll hopefully have a lifetime of chances to say it.

“I don’t like that you felt the need to hide him from me.” Jude sighs, his own fingers drawing circles over Connor’s broad back. “You invited him to my birthday party. He’s spent the entire night flirting with you under my watch! He’s driven me insane and I just felt like an idiot the whole time because I thought I was just overreacting.”

“It was a long time ago.” Connor explains to him, lowering his eyes to look into Jude’s. “I’m with you..”

“Put yourself in my shoes.” Jude looks back at him with sadness filling his eyes and voice. “What would you do if I invited my former boyfriend to a party in your honor and keep that away from you? And let’s say that said ex can’t get his filthy hands off me..”

Connor’s answer is very direct and sincere. It startles the both of them. “I would chop off all of his fingers.” Jude raises both of his eyebrows as to make a point before Connor realizes how fool has he been. “I’m such an idiot..”

“You are.” Jude confirms with a genuine smile on his lips. “But you are also very cute.”

Connor’s smile reflects his own as he tells Jude, voice half playful and half flirty. “Oh is that so?”

“Yeah..” Connor feels shivers crawling up his spine as Jude’s lips lay a single kiss on his pulsing vein. He wants Jude to do that again. His breath gets short at the proximity of Jude’s lips mouthing over his neck.

It’s rude to interrupt a moment like this but Connor really needs to ask.

“So.. are we okay?”

It’s impossible for Jude to keep the happiness of the moment at bay, right now. Not when everything he's blissfully into his man's arms.

Connor omitted something from him but he said that Jude is his present -- let's not forget about the muted allusion to something more --and there’s not a most precious gift than that.

Jude nods before pressing a kiss to Connor’s lips that moan softly at the sudden contact.

“We are okay.” Jude confirms as he takes in the clear relief flashing across Connor’s features. “Just let’s promise to tell each other everything.”

“I promise.”

  
No one seems to notice Alexander’s absence or maybe they’re just too enraptured by the two story cake standing gloriously on the table across from Jude.  
Jude feels a bit embarrassed by all the attention. He’s not used to it but he can’t deny how nice it feels.

Everyone encourages him to make a wish while blowing the candles and Jude knows exactly what his wish is going to be. He doesn’t want to jinx it by saying something to Connor, although it would be highly romantic to say something like ‘you know, my wish was to live thousand of days (and more.) like this, with you.”  
He hopes that staring intently into the eyes of the object of your wish isn’t considered as jinxing it, either.  
Well, Jude decides he doesn’t care. He looks at Connor as he blows the twenty-two candles on his cake.  
The smile clearly twitching upon the corner of his mouth causes Jude to smile as he makes the wish.

_“Please let Connor be my future."_


	16. More surprises.

Jude can’t believe his life now. He pinches his cheeks, regretting it almost immediately because _that hurts,_ just to make sure this is still real.

A wide smile glows over his face cause _it is._

He lives in a cozy love nest with his boyfriend who happens to be the man he’s always dreamed of coming across since he’s watched Cinderella for the first time at the age of eight.

He’s been mocked by all of his classmates, called with _names_  because of his strange obsession over that cartoon but luckily Jude couldn’t give a crap because Cinderella lived in a world where she wasn’t accepted for who she was, Then she met this handsome man who accepted and love her unconditionally and Connor, in a way, has always reminded Jude, since the first night he’s saved him from those scum bags, of a perfect real life representation of prince charming.

The morning after he tells Connor as much that, _poor thing,_ almost chokes on his energy drink.

“W-what? Me? A prince charming?”

Jude nods as he feels his face getting slightly flushed with heat. “Yeah! You have no idea how charming you are, Connor Stevens.”

There’s a fervent blush covering Connor’s cheeks, his ability to form words basically goes out of the window.

Jude hasn’t seen that coming.

He comes to stand behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head against his back. They stay like this for a long moment in which Connor's body finally seems to relax. He gives a long intake of breath before whispering with awe filling his voice. “No one ever called me that..”

“There’s a first time for everything.”

Connor nods as his eyes fall down on their clasped hands resting just barely above Connor’s waist. His finger starts tracing the outline edge of Jude’s hand and for a moment Connor’s completely enchanted by the simple touch and how _great_ and _easy_ it feels to be with Jude like this, experiencing a simple domestic moment like this with him.

“I still have to give you your present.”

He feels the outline of Jude’s smile pressing against his back as he says, “A present? I thought the party _was the present.”_

“Well, yeah.. it was, in a way, but I also got you something else.”

Jude’s arms fall at Connor’s sides before he walks around, wrapping his long arms around his neck. Their eyes meet and Connor’s blindsided as usual by the light that only Jude’s eyes seems to provide to his _universe_ , along with his gentle smile and sweet, endearing voice, his way of looking at Connor utterly in awe, as he’s discovering the world for the first time.

“Wait are you waiting for, then?” Connor’s a bit distracted by Jude’s blinding smile, he shakes his head as to keep his focus on the conversation as he, alas, has to walk away from Jude to get his present.

“I know it’s probably too soon for this kind of stuff but I don’t really see the harm..”

Jude stares at him with curiosity flashing across his eyes as he takes the blue envelope from Connor’s shaky hands.

He feels Connor's intense gaze on him as he rips off the envelope pulling the item out of it.

“ _It’s a picture.”_

“Yes. Um, it’s my parent's chalet in Mount Baldy. I thought we could head there for a couple of days.. a weekend mayb—“

Connor can’t possibly finish the sentence, not when Jude hugs the shit out of him, like this.

He may or may not feeling air leaving his lungs.

“That’s awesome! Oh my God, I’m so excited!”

The happiness in Jude’s voice is as bright as the sun. It makes Connor smile, too, after letting out a loud sigh or relief cause he was so scared to push things too further.. but Jude seems to genuinely like his gift. Jude wants them to go on a romantic gateway for few days with him.

_There’s just nothing better in the world._

Then, a dark shadow flashes across Jude’s eyes and Connor starts panicking once again.

“What’s wrong?”

“You said it’s your parent's lodge. What if they catch us? And how do we even get in, in the first place?”

“It’s easy.” Connor tells him. “I know there they hid the spare keys, besides, the last time we went there is when I was six. No one will notice.”

“Okay.” Jude sounds completely delighted by the idea. He can’t really wait to get away with Connor for a sort of _quick couple-y honeymoon._

“When are we going?”

“I was thinking.. this weekend?”

It’s only four days away. Jude can do this. He also has to kiss Connor because the present is on freaking point and he’s the _best boyfriend ever._

“Sounds perfect.” Jude tells him with excited voice and then he says, just because he can, between sweet kisses. “You. are. perfect.”

_Connor has never been happier or more head over heels for someone._

 

Three days pass in the blink of an eye for Jude and Connor’s happiness. It’s Thursday and Jude’s packing his weekend bag.  
He folds the sweater on a pile and as he’s about to zip it off, his hand freezes mid-air.

His eyes flicker to the drawer of his nightstand where he knows the _stuff_ has been carefully hidden very discreetly under a pile of underwear.

He’s conflicted about taking it along with him, on this trip. He doesn’t want to rush things or give Connor that much pressure. He knows he wants to give Connor anything he has to give and that includes his virginity.

He gives a loud sigh before he finally comes to a decision.

He stuffs the condoms and lube in his suitcase, hidden beneath the pile of clothes. He’s not sure of the outcome but whenever, however it will happen.. Jude will be ready.

It doesn’t need to happen necessarily on this trip but Jude wants to be prepared, just in case.

He’s lost in his thought when he hears someone ringing the doorbell. Jude frowns as he heads to the front door, thinking that it’s probably just Connor has forgotten his keys.

The smile falls off his face when he’s welcomed by Ron’s glacial stare, quickly replaced by a look of terror written all over his features as Ron finally exhales. _“_ _Hello, Jude.”_

 


	17. Underwater.

They look at each other for the longest time. Ron gives him a look in an _‘are you gonna let me in?’_ Kind of way.

Jude still doesn’t move from the door, regardless if he’s gotten the meaning of his look or not cause he's not Foolish enough to let him in when Connor’s not home, besides, _It’s not his house anymore._ Jude doesn’t have to play nice with him or refrain himself from telling him to fuck off for being such an insufferable human being.

He could even kick his ass if he wants to. Connor would probably be clapping at him for it.. anyway. Ron doesn’t desist.

Jude's about to slam the door on his face when he's suddenly being pushed aside

Jude’s being pushed backward by Ron’s shoulder hitting against his own.

“What the--?”

Jude watches him completely bewildered as he strides into the house, knowing his way into Connor’s bedroom.

Jude snaps back into reality from the momentum of haze and follows him into the room where he finds him crouched down fiddling with his hands into Connor’s stuff and _underwear_ and Okay.. talking about manners and boundaries...

“What the hell you think you’re doing?”

Ron doesn’t deem him worthy of his attention, or respect for that matter.

To be fair he has never had respect towards Jude, Anyway, this is a trespass!

“Ron.”

“ _Shut the hell up.”_

Jude's eyes widen and before realizing that his body's moving, he strides towards him not really caring about his own manners. Jude decides that Ron doesn't deserve to be treated like a human being so he'll be treated like the animal he truly is.

Jude roughly grabs him by his shirt, pushing him away from the open drawer and onto his feet.

Jude didn't even know he'd have such force into that scrawny body. Ron looks as surprised as he is, eyeing him with an eyebrow raised in shock as Jude taking a stand against him is the most shocking thing that could have ever happened.

“Okay _Ronnie_. We should really have a talk about your lack of etiquette. Has no one ever told you that barging into someone’s house completel _y uninvited, unwelcomed_ and _unrequited_ is the epitome of being rude? Now either you get your ass out of his house or I’m calling the police... and what the hell are you looking for, in there?!”

Ron keeps digging, cursing under his breath as he lifts piles of Connor’s underwear and.. fuck. _Condoms._

_This moment is reaching the borderline of ridiculous._

“He hasn’t lost time, is he?” Ron gives a significant look to the condoms and lets out a hollow laugh as he keeps digging his hands into Connor’s stuff.

“There!”

Jude’s eyes go wide with shock when he pulls out a box.

_Well, now it has reached the borderline of insanity._

“Oh my God. I can’t believe this shit. Were you going to..?”

“Yeah.” Ron snorts bitterly, pulling the box into his pocket before standing up on his feet. “Before you took him away from me, you piece of shit.”

Jude lifts his eyes to the ceiling, repeating for probably the tenth time..

“I..I didn’t! I didn’t take him away from you! Connor’s his own persona. He can make his own decisions and I bet he had his good reasons to break up with you. No need to hold a grudge, man.. _get a life.”_

Ron rolls his eyes, letting out an empty laugh that hit Jude square in the chest when he repeats Jude's words with sharp voice, bitter and thick with anger. “ _He had his good reasons_. Are you really that dumb? You wanna know why has he broken up with me? Huh? If you think it’s because of his feelings for you, you’re delusional other than a fool.”

Jude feels the ground start to crumble beneath his feet. “W-what do you mean?”

Ron sees the pain flashing across Jude's features and doesn't hesitate to put his finger in the wound, deeper and harsher than before.

“He broke up with me because he found out that I was cheating on him.”

Okay.. Jude.. Jude didn't know that.

“ _You, what?!”_

Jude doesn’t have the time to be processing something before being hit by another shit storm coming at him. No one can blame his loss of words since He’s feeling these emotions hitting him all at once.

Jude’s mostly hurt, right now. To be fair _Hurt_ doesn’t even cover how he feels. If Jude had to explain the kind of pain flooding through him, at the moment, would say that it feels like his heart has just been ripped off his chest and smashed against the wall.

That's the kind of pain he's experiencing, right now.

Ron doesn’t smile at Jude’s heartbroken expression but he’s clearly tempted to. His lips are twitching upward, followed by a fake cough which intent is to muffle the sound of laughter escaping his lips.

Jude looks at him with cloudy sight for a brief moment then at the box in his hands. He wants to say something, to ask if that's true. he's not sure if Ron would tell him the truth but he has to know. He needs to know.

He hears a door slamming shut and a soft voice calling his name from the doorway.

“In here..” Jude manages to breathe out with small voice waiting for the moment things would get even messier and painful.

God. Jude feels a character straight out of a telenovela, right now.

 

He doesn’t turn around when Connor steps into the room. He can't face him. Not right now when he's trying to put together the shattered pieces of his heart.

“What the hell is going on?”

Jude’s eyes flutter close as a single tear fall down his cheek. He can’t.. he needs to.. he needs to breathe and go. Yes. He needs to _not_ be here, right now.

He doesn't care if Connor sees him crying.

“Jude?”

Connor calls his name with the same loving tone he’s grown attached to for the last few weeks. It’s the softest sound he’s ever heard but it still manages to hurt him worse than a dozen of stabs into his chest.

Jude wipes away the wetness underneath his eyes, walking out of the room ignoring Connor’s worried stare all over him.

 

He sits down on the couch, staring blankly at the wall and listening to sounds coming from the street like car horns and people chatting, he can ever hear some birds chirping outside despite the sky it’s mostly dark.

He likes listening to the sounds nature makes. It’s definitely prettier than listen to the sound Connor makes, yelling words after words, curses and accusation at his former boyfriend.

“ _What did you do to him?!”_

“ _It’s over. Get over with it. We’re done.”_

“ _It’s not like that and you know it!”_

“ _I didn’t love you anymore.”_

 

His heart skips beats as the silence returns to fill the air. Jude wonders what’s going on in the other room but apparently he doesn’t have to wait long.

Ron doesn’t even spare him a glance as he strides towards the door and Jude’s so thankful for that. He doesn’t think he has the strength to fight him, right now, but then he turns around, just before opening the door and says, completely randomly and out of nowhere. “Your _mommy_ is looking for you.”

“W-what?”

Ron smiles, wide and creepy as he shrugs. “You heard me. You can’t imagine how easy is to find out interesting stuff about someone when your 'friend' is a Private investigator.”

Ron takes in the sight of the way Jude's face has gone completely pale. He feels the need to wink, just because he's a mother fucker who likes to put his finger into wounds.

"Take care _, Jude Jacob.”_

 


	18. Take my heart. Keep it safe.

Connor finds Jude lying on the couch.

He's sprawled on his stomach, his long arms folded around the pillow where is face is buried, in a weak attempt to muffle the loud sobs.

His heart breaks into million of pieces at the painful sight.

Jude’s sobbing, bawling his eyes out and his whole frame is trembling with every sob coming from his throat.

Connor’s unsure of what to say or what to do to make Jude feel better and the thought of the unknown startles him to death.

He wants to make him happy and seeing him like this makes him miserable.

“J-Jude? Don’t cry. I-I get you’re upset about Ron but I promise he’s not gonna show up here again..” Jude seems at loss of air in his lungs, he clings to the pillow as his life depends on it, curling his hands _tight_ around the fabric as to maintain his temper.

Connor sighs as he crouches on the floor across from him, his hand reaches to pat on his boyfriend’s back but Jude’s glacial tone makes him freeze.

“ _Don’t. Connor.. please, go away.”_

“Jude..”

Jude’s eyes stare into his for a heart-stopping moment before he finally decides to sit up. Connor can't help but notice the way Jude's eyes are red-rimmed with tears and something breaks inside of him.

He doesn't understand what happened. What could Ron have told Jude. What has changed since they were happily planning their romantic getaway.

He's not even sure if is still happening and that breaks his heart even more cause Connor has planned every smallest detail of this brief trip to see that beautiful smile glowing up Jude's face and.. now everything seems meant to unravel disastrously.

“Tell me why you broke up with Ron.” Jude goes straight to the point without half measures, watching Connor's eyes shoot wide and then he adds, completely unnecessary, _“the real reason.”_

“I told you.. w-we..”

“ _Connor.”_

“He cheated on me.” Connor sighs heavily, then he rushes to say. “I..Um, I think he did. I found a chat on his phone and—“

“Is this why you decided to break up with him?” Jude's voice is filled with legitimate anger. “So I’m just, what? The third wheel?”  
  
Connor gapes at him for a brief moment before realizing the implications behind Jude’s question. “No! No! It’s not—Jude, I promise _. It’s not like that._ You have to believe me.”

Jude looks at him blankly, he can’t bring himself to find an answer to what Connor is saying to him.

He’s tired. Both emotionally and physically. What was going to be a romantic getaway has turned into his biggest nightmare. _Ron showing up. Ron’s admission. Ron’s implication about his step-mother. Connor’s eyes._ Everything becomes too much. Too many things happening in the same days and Jude.. Jude wishes he had a magic wand and erased all the unfortunate events of the day, perhaps go back to the previous day.. at the precise moment when Connor has told him about the surprise and Jude was literally jumping out of excitement all over the kitchen.

But sadly, that's not possible. It's not fair to dream of a perfect day and erase a bad one.

It happened.

Jude had to deal with it... but he can't seem to do it now, not until Connor won't stop looking at him like that.

“I can’t. I just.. please.”

Jude doesn’t even know what he’s pleading Connor for. Probably to leave him alone, but he’s not that sure. He wants to scream but nothing comes out aside from soft puffs of air.

“ _I liked you way before breaking up with him.”_

Something breaks into Jude. He looks up meeting Connor’s eyes, mostly filled with fear mixed up with unleashed tears, gathering at the corner of his eyes and ready to miserably fall down his eyes.

“I.. think I’ve had feelings for you since the first time I touched your hand.”

The harsh line on Jude’s face starts to soften, especially when tears start spilling down Connor's startled eyes just as predicted.

“I..I think my heart has known way before I did but.. when I finally realized that I had feelings for _you,_ I just couldn’t pretend anymore.”

Jude winces in pain as Connor’s hand reaches for his own, the touch is soft and meant to be comforting but it manages to burn like fire.

“The day I broke up with Ron. I.. I woke up from a dream in which I was able to hold you like _I do now_ and hold your hand and.. although I knew what I was going to do was utterly shitty, It made me genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time.”

Connor's moistened eyes never leave Jude’s, his hand is still tangled with Jude’s as he tells him.

“I found out about Ron right before telling him. Jude, I swear. I broke up with him because _I wanted to be with you._ I broke up with him because _you are all I could think of._ I broke up with you because _I like you._ ”

To say that Jude is overwhelmed with emotions is a given. He feels hurt, scared, vulnerable, in love, relieved.. all at once. He’s confused by the mixed and contrasted feelings but of one thing he’s sure of.. _. “I like you, too.”_

“I swear,” Connor tells him as Jude brushes away some tears falling down his cheek. Connor's eyes flutter close as he leans into Jude's touch, a broken sigh leaving his lips as he tells him.

“I.. I would never do that to you.”

“Okay.” Jude sniffs as he shifts a bit on the couch, making some room for Connor. “I believe you.”

He gently pats the seat next to his and Connor doesn’t need to be told twice before hopping on the couch.

His long arms don’t hesitate to lace around Jude’s waist who hears himself letting a soft sigh at the feel of Connor next to him. Connor buries his face into Jude’s hair, murmuring how grateful he is that he’s found him and how he looks forward to their romantic getaway.. _but wait._

“Is still happening, right?”

Jude closes his eyes, leaning into Connor’s touch and for a moment he’s tempted to decline.. too much on his plate at the moment.

“ _Your mommy is looking for you.”_

Ron’s words play into his mind like a loop, making him realize that if she ever finds him.. she’ll most likely do everything in her power to take him away from Connor and Jude.,, Jude deserves to take every single moment life has to offer him, with Connor.

He shoves in the back of his mind all those thoughts for later. For now.. he just wants to live this, as long as he possibly could.

He wants to stay in this bubble for a little while.

“ _Totally.”_


	19. Baby, it's cold outside.

The car ride is mostly filled with ABBA songs playing in the background. Jude enjoys watching Connor as he drives. He still seems to notice Jude’s intense stare on him despite his attentive gaze is pointed to the road. Jude feels a sudden, _welcomed_ touch on his hand and when he looks down he finds Connor's fingers intertwine with his own.

“Are we there yet?”

“Nope,” Connor replies with a smile forming on his lips. This is the third time Jude has asked him that question in the last thirteen minutes.

“ _You sound like a petulant kid.”_

Jude rolls his eyes, a soft groan escaping his lips. _“This place is forever away!”_

Connor can’t help the chuckle slipping off his lips, or the roll of his eyes, for that matter. “Behave and I’ll feed you some smores.”

Jude's eyes lit up at Connor's promise. “When?!”

“When we get there.”

“And when will we get there, exactly?”

“For fuck's sake.” Connor groans before letting out a strangled laugh. Jude can't help the giggles escaping his lips at the sight of his boyfriend getting all frustrated over his endless whines filling his ears.

“You shouldn’t swear in front of me D-- “

Connor's eyes go wide in shock. It requires his best effort to keep himself focused on the road.

He hears Jude's laughter as he abruptly cuts him off. “Finish that sentence and _I swear_ I’ll throw you out of this car.”

“Ugh. Fine.”

Jude huffs a whinge as he shakes his head in fake disappoint. “You’re so rude. Remind me why I even put up with you?”

Connor’s eyes are still focused on the road but the words leave his lips without missing a beat.

His grip on Jude’s hand gets a bit tighter as he says, voice cocky and full of pride. _“Cause I’m your prince charming.”_

Jude can do nothing more than blush at Connor's genuine and warm words.

 

 

Connor’s too careful about his driving to let his eyes slip to the boy sitting next to him, when he hears, though, a heavy silence filling the car then curiosity gets the better of him.

He absolutely has to look.

A smile quirks upon his lips at the adorable sight of Jude fast asleep on his seat, his head a bit crooked to the side that makes Connor wince in sympathy. He’s probably gonna feel a bit sore, later.

He keeps looking at the road ahead of them as the smile never leave his face throughout the whole ride.

Jude’s woken up by a soft voice calling his name, a gentle touch shaking his small frame by his arm.

“Jude? Jude..”

“ _Mmmm.. five more m'nutes.”_

Ugh. Jude’s too comfy. He doesn’t want to open his eyes. Does he have to? Is that necessary?

He hears Connor’s laugh filling his ears and well, that is _enough_ reason to make a tiny sacrifice.

He opens his eyes, blinking softly before rubbing his sleepy eyes. His eyes shoot open when he hears a short intake of breath, a pair of lips falling against his own and, oh.. _okay_. Definitely, best way to wake up ever, Jude thinks. _He could get used to this special treatment._

His mind is still blurred but he can definitely feel him trailing the warm tip of his tongue along the seam of lips as to ask for permission.

Jude doesn't have to think about it twice. He parts his lips and then when he's met by Connor's tongue slipping between his lips and tangling to his own... Everything starts to get blurry, even more than before.

He can’t seem to keep his heavy eyelids open but that’s not what he needs right now.

There’s this fire flooding through Jude’s whole body that goes straight to his genitals, making him curl his hand tighter on Connor’s sweater, pulling him close.. and close and even _closer_ until there’s no space left between their bodies. It makes him want to lay down and feel every inch of Connor’s soft skin, feel it beneath his palm until their both panting against each other's mouth.

He's not even scared by Connor's fingertips slipping under the hem of his sweater, caressing the large expanse of his back. Jude would let him do anything he wants. He'd give him anything he'd want.

It’s different from any other touch he’s getting used to through his life.

Connor’s touch is _kind, welcomed, intoxicating_. It’s so endearing that doesn’t even make him want to catch his breath.

It’s dangerous, electrifying, absolutely enrapturing. Jude dreads the moment they'll pull away from each other and this moment will be over.

He'd spend the whole day kissing Connor if he could. He can't just get enough of the gentleness of his kisses and the heat he feels firing up through his whole body.

“Connor..”

When Connor pulls away from him, Jude has to blink few times, actually, just to make sure he’s awake. Connor’s completely red in the face and he’s panting softly. His eyes are glossy and almost dazed over. He’s breathing so hard that he looks like he’s about to burst in a matter of seconds.

Neither of them shares a word. Jude realizes the car has stopped and they’re parked in the driveway of a wooden lodge.

His lips part in surprise, letting out a soft gasp when he takes in all the snow surrounding the area, covering trees and the amount of lodges filled with many lights and Christmas decorations hanging from the windows.

Jude looks at the sight before his eyes in complete awe. His gaze curiously falls down on a snowman that someone has probably built and his heart just can't take this. It's bursting out in happiness.

 

_It looks like a tiny Christmas village._

Connor clears his throat as he asks Jude if he likes the sight. Jude turns around, leaning over the console to pull the boy in another deep, heart rendering kiss.

Now, more than ever, Jude is absolutely sure.

_He's hopelessly, endlessly, mercilessly in love._

“ _I love it.”_


	20. Never been happier.

Connor’s feeling a bit frustrated by the amount of questions coming through a raffic from Jude's lips.

He has a point. Connor's more than willing to give him that. They’re _technically_ sneaking into a private habitation --that belongs to Connor’s parents so it’s still _technically_ his-- not taking into consideration the fact that Connor has been disgraced from the family-- well yeah.. in that case is _technically_ breaking into someone’s house.

The only answer Connor should give Jude to the erratic waves of _“Are you sure we’re not gonna get caught?”_ is, _”Yeah. We could, alas, what’s done is done.”_

What Connor actually says to Jude is. _“Don’t worry. No one is going to bother us.”_

After maybe seven?  _eight times_ maybe? Jude actually looks like ready to believe Connor's reassuring words.

He sinks down on the floor and sighs happily as he warms up his cold hands through the most appreciated heat radiating from the fireplace.

Connor takes off his jacket and quickly joins his boyfriend on the floor.

He turns on the tv before grabbing a pillow from the couch and put it down on the floor before laying down. Jude turns to look at his boyfriend for a brief moment and finds himself wondering how Connor looked like when he was a kid.

He looks around himself and starts imagining where they could have placed the Christmas tree. Jude finds a spot between the coffee table and the piano that looks like a perfect fit for a tree.

Connor’s parents have a piano in their living room and start imagining a little Connor Stevens, on Christmas morning, running to the presents all wrapped under the tree.

“Why are you smiling?”

Jude happily takes place next to Connor, onto the floor, being welcomed almost immediately by his arm draping over his shoulder.

Jude happily curls himself against Connor’s chest as he sighs. “I was just wondering what a little Connor Stevens would look like on Christmas morning.

Connor smiled, looking mind-absently at the ceiling as he tells Jude. “Oh.. um.. I was a curious kid.”

Jude can’t help but snicker, imagining Connor’s hazel eyes lit up with joy as he unwrapped those gifts. “Oh. I bet you were.” He raises his eyebrow at Connor’s cheeks getting a bit flushed, his nose wrinkling in a kind of adorable way that makes Jude smile warmly.

“ _Maybe a little too much.”_

“Oh. This, I don’t want to miss.” Jude laughs, tickling Connor’s side whose voice breaks in a wave of giggles. Connor keeps shaking his head as he closes his eyes, breathing heavy and slowly through his nose, refusing to embarrass himself with some old accounts of his life, but then the tickling becomes unbearable.

“Umph. Yes. Okay! I’ll tell you.” Connor keeps laughing, trying to shrug off Jude’s dangerous touch. Whey they both sober up, Jude settles himself back under Connor’s arm, snuggling against his chest and listening, closed-eyed to Connor’s tell.

“I was quite wary as a kid, you know? The kind of ‘seeing is believing’ kind of person.” Jude hums against his chest, drawing lazy circles over his chest, through the soft material of the sweater he's wearing, that as usual never cease to send shivers crawling up Connor’s spine.

“My parents kept telling me that Santa wouldn’t show up until I fell asleep and I believed them, _at first_.”

“Oh my God..” Jude smiles lazily. “You waited to the moment he'd show up, didn't you?”

“I did.” Connor admits with embarrassment filling his voice, before adding, eyes almost dilated by amusement at the face Jude makes before bursting out in giggles, his chest lifting and falling erratically like he just couldn't hold back himself. _“that’s not even the worst part!”_

Jude’s eyes shoot open, a curious smile quirking his lips almost causes Connor to forget about what he's even saying, right now. Jude’s smile has always been kind of distracting but this time is almost as warm as the fire bursting into flames into the fireplace.

_It's blazing and dangerous._

“This is going to get good.”

“When I found out that Santa wasn’t real. I was so mad at them. I felt betrayed and treated like a fool.”

“ _You were such an intense kid.”_

Connor ignores Jude’s assertion and goes on on his story. “So I woke up, one year, in the middle of the night and waited for him. When I realized he wasn't going to show up, I felt so pissed at my parents for feeding me all those crap that I unwrapped all the gifts and that included their gifts, too.”

 

“Connor Stevens—“

“I know. I know. I was a kid..”

 

“You were a menace.” Jude corrects with a surprised look on his face. Connor hides his smile into Jude’s hair. He’s about to ask if Jude wants to make supper when Jude begins to say. “I think the best Christmas of my life has been the one when I was four. My mom hadn’t still fallen into depression and I think it has been the last happy memory I have of my family as a whole. I don’t exactly remember every single detail of that time, but I do remember my mom making us eggnogs while watching Christmas Classics.. all together.”

“Sounds really nice.”

“It is.” Jude sighs heavily letting his eyes to fall close, focusing of the thumps of Connor’s heart beating fiercely against his ear. “The following year has probably been the _worst_ Christmas of my life.” Jude swallows down the thick lump formed in his throat, taking a long intake of breath before recalling. “My grandparents came to visit, that Christmas. No one noticed anything suspicious so, when my mother started acting _weird_ , it really blindsided us.”

“W-what happened?”

“My dad and I went picking up my grandparents from the airport and w-when we came home, later that day, we found out that there was a gas leak.”

Connor’s breath catches in his throat at the confession dripping painfully from Jude’s lips.

“A-are you serious?”

“Yeah.” Jude sounds _almost_ offended. “Of course I’m serious. I could never make this up. I.. I wish I did but it happened. S-she passed out on the kitchen floor with a bottle of vodka in her hands. C-can you imagine what could have happened if we didn't come back on time?”

“W-what happened, then?” Connor realizes too late that maybe Jude’s not willing to answer all these questions.. what he’s sharing about his life feels more than enough, but Jude doesn’t seem to mind. He just closes his eyes again, resting his head against Connor’s chest, a look of pure contentedness on his face, looking like he’s found his safe haven.

“She promised us that was just a one-time thing but my father didn’t believe her, _for good reasons_ , cause two months after she.. she smashed herself against someone’s car.” Connor looks at him with blank expression on his face, looking completely at loss of words. Jude’s eyes shoot open and in a matter of seconds, he’s fully awake.

“I’m sorry. I.. this is our weekend. I just want to make nice memories with you, not reminiscing old ones.”

“It’s your mom.. her memory will never get old.” Connor points out, brushing his fingers through Jude’s hair.

“You're right." Jude sighs before pulling himself upright, sitting up on the floor and offering his hand to Connor's who look at him with curious expression written all over his face.

"What are we doing?" Connor laughs as Jude starts walking backward towards the door, biting a smile that can only be described as _mischievous_ spreading across his lips.

_"We're going to create new ones."_

 

Connor takes a lot of pictures. He decides that there's not a better way to create new memories like saving them. So he takes a lot of selfies starring with Jude being sprawled in the snow, moving his arms and legs in perfect synchrony while Connor's smile is on full display, perfect and filled with so much love that it can actually show the way his heart is bursting with happiness, right now. The more he sees Jude laughing while he attempts to make a decent snow angel, the more he thinks he's never felt this happy.

Jude, of course, notices.

"Stop laughing at me and come join me!" Connor doesn't stop laughing until Jude rolls his eyes and pulls him by the hand, dragging him down in the snow with him. Then he starts tickling him and Connor is so done. He has to roll them over, just to defend himself from Jude's tickles attack and pins him down beneath his strong body.

They're still laughing when they kiss. Jude doesn't let Connor waste any seconds of this. He gives a soft moan of pleasure, lacing his hand into Connor's hair and pulling, _hard,_ as to keep him there. For how long? Who knows. Jude's okay with forever. He wants to stay like this, wrapped in Connor's arms and kissing him until they're both hard and aching, their lips numb and consumed. From the way Connor seems to dive in, over and over again Jude's lips, like he just can't get enough of him. Connor looks absolutely lost in his own pleasure as he keeps kissing Jude and sucking on his tongue, followed by some bites on Jude's bottom lip, dragging between his teeth and _oh_.. Jude's whole body arches off the snow, desperately seeking for friction. Connor can't hold back the moan that escapes at him when Jude almost inaudible moans start playing in his ear and when he hears, for the first time ever, his name being moaned   in a desperate,  completely wrecked edge in Jude's voice, followed by _'Please'.. H_ e doesn't dare to open his eyes. He can't, because he knows what he's gonna find. Jude's soft, pleading eyes staring into his. He can't endure that kind of self-harm, right now.. not when he's hard as steel and Jude's hips doesn't stop rutting against his own so that's not exactly helping his case.

"Connor..."

"Oh my God, Jude..."

Jude's tongue darts out his pink lips, tracing the outline of his lobe eliciting a wrecked whimper out of Connor's desperate lips, begging to feel more of Jude's skin, wanting to trace every smallest inch of him, starting from the pale expanse of his cheeks, down to his prominent neck and then down, down, down following the trail of Jude's flat stomach, leaving a wet stripe of kisses on its wake.

Connor wants more than anything to explore every inch of Jude's body, the ones he's felt whenever they hug or kiss and still _undiscovered_ traits of his perfect essence. Places unknown and forbidden.

Connor wanted Jude in every way Jude would allow him to.

It's like Jude's been listening to his darkest and most private thoughts cause just a long, heart-stopping moment later, Jude's whimpers start flowing through his mind, sending it into short circuit.

_"I.. I want to."_

Connor's unsure of the promise behind Jude's words. He doesn't want to assume that what Jude's whimpering into his ear, it's what he's thinking.

"I'm ready." Jude pants into his ear, sounding completely breathless and on the throes of the haze of lust, making him bold and needy beyond belief.

_"I'm ready to lose my virginity, with you. Please, let's go back inside.”_

 


	21. My all.

Jude can see the way Connor shuts down, for brief a moment. It makes him take his hand, resting it on his excessively pounding heart and say, “I’m sure..” because he knows Connor wants him. He has a visual proof that gives away how Connor wants this just as much. What Connor needs is to be sure that Jude’s not telling him just because the moment and location would be more than perfect for a fairytale first time. Too bad Jude has grown knowing that fairytales don’t apply in real world.

Finally, Connor seems to snap back from the momentarily moment of haze, and asks Jude, voice rough and shaky, “Y-you sure? I mean.. I want to.” And then an adorable giggle escape his lips that make Jude's lips curve in a soft smile.

“I more than want to.. I.. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to just because I brought you here..” and then a hand reaches for Jude’s cheek, caressing the expanse of skin with the back of his thumb. “We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to do, okay?”

“I know..” Jude exhales, his breath cut by a breathless laugh coming from the back of his throat. “That’s the point. _I.. I want this_.”

All the anxiety and fears just dissipate from Connor’s features leaving space to the beautiful smile that takes its place.

He doesn’t say much.. He just murmurs a soft, “Come here.” And pulls Jude on his feet, before wrapping his arms around his broad shoulders. “Jude Jacob?”

It sounds like a question, or at least, Jude thinks it’s a question so he lifts his head from Connor’s shoulder, staring into his eyes which are brighter than the clear sky.

Connor takes a moment to lose himself into the depth of Jude’s auburn eyes staring back at him, his eyes following the trail of his cheeks and lingering on his pink lips.

Every second of anticipation is just as painful as the erratic beats of their hearts and Connor knows that but it’s Jude.. and it’s his first time and he still doesn’t know what heavy bargain he carries over his shoulders but he has to make things right, for Jude, because he deserves every good thing of this world.

“ _Do you want to be mine?”_

It’s a silly question cause, duh, Connor knows he is, but as said.. it’s like standing on a cliff, this moment.

The height makes you feel lightheaded and scares you to death at the same time. He feels kind of stupid for phrasing that question, well, at least until Jude’s completely dumbfounded expression breaks into the most heart-whelming grin he’ll ever see in a million years.

All it takes for Connor to kiss the boy until they’re both breathless and panting, is a nod of Jude’s head, a soft sigh that almost sounds out of relief.

**

 

They take their time in every step of the way, cause this moment, at least for Jude, is something that he will remark as the most memorable moment of his life. He just knows it will be. No matter how it turns out, cause he’s aware that in real life, first times are 80% awkward and pretty overwhelming experiences, cause it’s _who_ it happens _with_ that counts.

Jude tries not to shiver, every time Connor’s hands make contact with bare inches of his skin as they undress each other. There are these moments in which he has to squeeze his eyes shut and he hates himself for that but he’s also aware that things like _those_ , you tend to carry with yourself for the rest of your life. He just has to not think. To _not let_ someone else ruin this moment for him. To _not let_ himself to go back to the _wrong_ way he’s been touched by his step-mom, to _not let_ himself cry.

“J-Jude?”

_Shit._

“I’m sorry.”

Connor pulls him into his arms. Of course, he does.

“Don’t be..” Connor whispers into his ear, his fingers tangling into his ear, keeping him firm pressed against his body. “We don’t have to. I told you.. if you’re not ready--“

“ _I am.”_ Jude’s eyes snap back to Connor’s face and Connor realizes with horror that they’re red-rimmed with tears. “I am _now_. I.. just--.”

Jude’s sight is clouded with tears but he sees Connor sitting down on the edge of the bed, gesturing him to sit down next to him.

Jude’s unsure if he wants to be near Connor now. He’s a horrible human being that sabotaged their first time after Connor has specifically told him that if he wasn’t ready then that would be okay. Connor doesn’t want him for sex, well, not _only_ for sex. They’ve gone through a lot for a couple of people that just met few months before so maybe Connor was just tired.. tired of Jude’s bargain and the way he shuts down on occasions and--

“Stop.”

Jude’s eyes flicker to Connor’s face, looking truly pissed off for the first time, at him! Connor’s pissed off at him, right now.

“You have to stop that.”

“Connor-“

“No.” Connor’s sharp voice cuts him off. His severe eyes looking straight at Jude. “Don’t ' _Connor_ 'me. It won’t lead you anywhere. I’m extremely mad right now and I need you to listen to me.”

“Okay.”

“Sit down.”

“Okay.” Jude exhales before sitting down next to him. He hears Connor’s unsteady breath for a long moment before he finally speaks, through long, deep breaths but still, he manages to struggle the words out.

“Did you.. did you really think I would get mad if you weren’t ready for this?”

Jude shakes his head, a loud sob slipping from the back of his throat. “No! I wasn’t. I swear.. I.. I still want this. I want this with you, Connor. I swear, there’s nothing more I want in my life than be yours, in every possible way!”

Jude has to close his eyes again, in a weak attempt to hold back these tears to fall down his eyes. He barely registers Connor’s arm wrapping around his bare shoulder, pulling him close and his familiar lips, running down his cheek. _“I want you to feel safe with me.”_

“ _I am.”_

Jude’s sure of this. More than anything in his life.

“I’m ready, now.” Jude repeats the same words as before but this time he adds one small particular that sadly, doesn't go unnoticed by Connor.

“ _I just wasn’t before.”_

He sort of expects the chocked sound rising from the back of Connor’s throat.

“W-“ Connor has to take a deep breath before forming the words. The most difficult task is actually letting those words out. Say them out loud.

“Someone abused you?”

It’s sharp and direct and Connor couldn’t care less, now. He just wants to know who the hell would do something like that to Jude.

“S-she was drunk and--“

What he doesn't expect is Connor walking away from him. It crushes his heart a ten thousand times harder.

 

Connor sees red way before Jude has the opportunity to finish the sentence. Jude’s frightened eyes snap back to Connor’s form standing up from the bed. He starts pacing the room, back and forth, clenching his fists as to maintain the temper.

“C-Connor.”

Connor lets out a wounded sound before grabbing at his hair, _tight_ , as to.. maybe unleash the firing rage he feels rising up from the pitch of his stomach, right now.

“That’s not a justification. That’s—Jude. That’s disgusting. She's your step-mom. W-what the fuck? How old were you?! Did she get away with that?! Y-you should have told someone.. y-you.. didn’t deserve any of that.”

“I was barely eighteen..” Jude sighs heavily, looking down at his hands. “W-when my father died. I haven’t cried, you know? At his funeral.. n-not even a tear. My eyes were completely dry by the end of the memorial service. I was left.. on my own device, after that. My step sister was away in college and.. when she came visit, she just treated me like shit so I spent most of my days in my room, hiding from them.

N-Neither of them cared if I ate or got out of my room or anything remotely close to that. I was supposed to leave for college but I just d-drop it all.

I got my acceptance letter to UCLA before summer started but, I thought, who would even care if I didn’t go to college? Who..w-who was going to show up at my graduation, anyway? W-who was going to tell me _‘I am so proud of you?”_

Jude has to take a break, hearing his own voice starting to break. Connor doesn't dare to interrupt him, he has to keep himself steady by standing with his back against the closed door of their room, but somehow, the walls aren't enough to keep him on his feet. Soon his body starts to slide down, until he's sitting on the floor, just at the other end of the room.

“ _No one.”_ Jude’s eyes are filled with tears and then one loud sob escapes his lips and they miserably starts to fall down, reminiscing the harrowing memories.

“No one would have done that, so what was the point? Huh? What was the point of wasting my energies and, besides, I had no money, because the whore liked to spend them on alcohol.

 I couldn't leave the house because I had any friends left, nowhere to go and when I..when I wanted to leave my room.. I would have crossed her and that just wasn’t going to happen. So I lived barricaded in my room for almost two years and it’s weird, isn’t it? Wouldn’t surprise anyone that I stopped talking for a year and a half.”

Jude’s still sobbing as he wipes away tears off his face with the back of his wrist. He glances down at Connor and he’s not really surprised by the heart-broken look written all over his boyfriend's features. It feels like a dam bursting open. Jude keeps talking and talking about those times when everything just felt too much, in which he’s wished to be swallowed away by some unknown force and reunite with his father but then, he would dream of a familiar smile and proud eyes looking at him. _Just a face,_ nothing else. The rest was just blurred and Jude didn’t mind. Cause he’s seen his father again and that gave him enough of a glimmer of hope, settling in his chest that maybe.. maybe one day, it would be all over.

“She didn’t like the idea of me having dinner, lunch or breakfast in my room. She called me slurred, derogative names through the locked door keeping us apart. Told me I was anti-social and that my father never taught me manners... she brought my father up whenever she wanted to pull a reaction out of me. She knew it was effective and I would have.. Connor. I would have yelled and thrown something at her but.. I reached a point in which, even though I felt ready to finally react, nothing ever came out.”

“ _Selective mutism.”_ Connor manages to say through deep, loud breaths. He sounds just as broken as Jude, if not more. _Probably a lot more._

“So when she sneaked into my room, one night—“ Jude suddenly stops talking, trailing off with a sigh. “You probably don’t want to hear this.”

“I would have never wanted to hear this, Jude.” Connor tells him. “But I have to.”

“Okay.” Jude inhales, his eyes locking with Connor the whole time. “She sneaked into my room, the night before I ran away, and s-she crawled into my bed..”

“Oh my.. Jude.”

“She was so drunk that she thought I was dad.. s-she pinned me down. I.. I couldn’t move or breathe. I.. I tried to scream but nothing came out, plus, I knew no one would have heard me, or cared enough to hear me, in the first place.”

Jude has to take a break. His eyes look for Connor’s and find that he’s crying, clenching his fists to his side so hard that Jude starts wondering if they’re going to bruise, afterward.

“J-Jude..” Connor’s on his feet, striding towards him and hugs him so hard that Jude actually feels his bones creak.

“I.. c-can’t believe this happened to you. I.. Y-you.. didn’t deserve to live like this. Y-you deserve happiness and love and what happened to you is just.. awful and unfair. God, is so unfair. I.. I wish I had found you sooner. I.. I would have protected you. I..I would have given you a place to stay. I.. I would have given you nothing but happy moments..”

“ _You did.”_ Jude’s arms come to encircle Connor’s neck, brushing his face against the crook of his neck, wetting it with tears. “ _You do_. Every single day.. y-you make my life better with every passing day. I’m so happy you found me..in that disgusting dark alley.”

Connor lets out a choked laugh against Jude’s hair, laying a gentle kiss there, happy to feel the outline of Jude’s smile pressing against his neck.

Connor might have found Jude too late but he’s decided that nothing will keep him from giving millions of happy moments to Jude. Now, more than ever.

He can’t wave a wand and erase all those horrible memories Jude’s been haunted by, but he can make it better, every single day he can show Jude that he’s not alone anymore. That someone cares, supports and loves him.. exactly for who he is and despite what he carries in his heart and mind.

“ _Me too.”_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the smut-bait lol
> 
> It will happen but I realized it just didn't fit (anymore) in this contest.. their first time is something special and it deserves to happen with nothing but love and serenity surrounding them :) I'm not saying it won't happen soon, though :)


	22. You will find me.

_Jude falls asleep for the first time in his life next to Connor during that trip._

It goes unsaid between them, like a silent agreement, the moment Connor lays down on the bed leaving enough space on the other side of the bed for Jude to settle himself in if he wants to.

Jude's heart races a bit too fast in his chest at the sight of this wonderful man, holding his hand out to him as to say _'I got you. I'll take care of you from now on.'_

He still doesn't know why, after all the pain he had to endure, now life has given him this gift,  _this boy,_  but of one thing he's sure. He's tired of question all the reasons why he shouldn't get to keep this.

_Connor is the one._

That will never change.

He takes Connor's hand into his own and then, the only sound filling the air is Jude's breathless laughter at the way he's being gracelessly yanked on the bed, falling on his stomach, and how great it feels to have Connor's arms holding him by his waist and tugging him into a tight embrace.

He dozes off to sleep lulled by Connor's sweet promises echoing into his ear. He's probably too emotionally and physically drained out of energies to remember the exact words, but nothing will ever make him forget those words playing into his ear like an endless loop and that will accompany him for the rest of his days. “ _I can't promise you that all days will be good but I can promise to stand by your side through the bad ones. From now on, I'll be your safe home.”_

 

_Nothing._

 

His eyes flutter open and he sadly finds out that he’s alone in bed.

“Con?”

His voice sounds hoarse so he clears his throat before disentangling himself from the mess of sheets pooled around his waist. He makes his way out of the room, rubbing his sleepy eyes as he steps into the kitchen when he’s being lured by the smell of butter, currently filling his nostrils.

Connor’s standing at the stove with his back facing Jude so he’s clearly unaware of his presence in the room.

Jude can’t help the smile quirking upon his lips when he notices that Connor’s swaying his hips to the sound of a John Legend's song coming through the speaker dock. “ _I'm gonna love you now like it's all I have.”_  and it sounds so accurate, considering the context. Jude shakes those thoughts of his mind. He walks gingerly towards his boyfriend and revels in the surprised gasp coming from his lips, the moment his arms wrap around his waist.

“Good morning..” Jude murmurs against the soft fabric of Connor’s hoodie. Connor relaxes into his arms and leans back against his chest.

“Hey, sleepy head.” It sends waves of warmth into Jude's chest at the colored affection filling Connor's voice. “You hungry?”

Jude nods his head, snuggling a bit more against Connor's back, when he hears him laugh. “What?”

“You look like a cat.”

“I'm not purring.” Jude pouts.

“Wait until I feed you these amazing pancakes..” Connor smiles as he takes one blueberry and turns around just slightly in order to feed it to Jude while still having an eye on the pan.

Their eyes never break contact as Connor waits for Jude to part his lips and taste it. “Mmm..” Jude moans slightly before quirking an innocent eyebrow as to make his point. Connor finds it a good look on Jude. “But that wasn't a pancake.”

“Patience is a virtue..”  
“But I'm hungry!” Jude pouts, his voice breaking in a wave of giggles when Connor tickles his side.

 

When food is finally ready to be served, much to Jude's joyfulness, they sit down at the table and start eating in a quite yet pleasing silence. That until Jude, still with the mouth stuffed with food, asks. “Is there balsamic vinegar, perhaps?”

Connor almost chokes on the piece of pancake he's still chewing. He composes himself before asking “I don't think so? Why?”

Jude's mouth falls open in a gasp. “Are you telling me you never tried it on pancakes?!”

Connor looks even more surprised than Jude, “Uh.. no? Should I?”

“Oh my God, Yes. Absolutely! That's absolutely mind-blowing. Connor. I'm telling you, it's a revelation. ”

Connor hums, tilting his head to the side, not looking very much convinced of Jude's promise.

“It sounds utterly disgusting if I have to be completely honest with you.”

“You'll try it, someday and you're gonna thank me.” Jude sounds pretty sure of himself. It makes Connor legitly shake his head. “What?”

“ _You're the weirdest person I've ever met.”_

The words slip out of Connor's lips without even realizing. He mentally kicks himself for making such a senseless and tactless assertion, considering that it might hurt Jude's feelings considering his past and all. Instead, he sees his smile wide.

“ _In a good way, I hope.”_

Connor's smile is just as wide as he simply answers. _“_ _Oh, in the best of ways.”_

Jude just leans over the small kiss to press a kiss on his lips as the music keeps playing through the speakers. Jude's ears distractedly catch the words as Connor tastes syrup on his tongue.

 _“Oh, I don't know what's in the stars. Never heard it from above, the world isn't ours_  
_But I know what's in my heart, if you ain't mine, I'll be torn apart “_

Yes. He realizes. _The song is awfully accurate._

 

****

“Home sweet home.”

“Can I say that I haven't missed it? At all?” Jude sighs as he climbs out of the car, noticing the knowing stare flashing across Connor's eyes. “I wish we could just stay wrapped in that bubble for.. let's see, forever? Sounds good?”

Connor laughs, wrapping his arm around Jude's shoulder. “Sounds more than good.” He concedes, letting out a soft sigh. “ But real life calls at some point and we just have to--”

“Deal with this daily shit?”

Connor raises an eyebrow, fake outrage spilling down his lips as he asks.“When did you become such a potty mouth?”

Jude lets out a wounded sound between a laugh and a groan, “But Connor... Cuddles near the fireplace! Snow! And blueberry pancakes!” Jude tells him with a whiny edge in his voice just like it's supposed to explain things.

  
“I literally make you pancakes every other day.” Connor immediately cares to point out. “Are you saying that my presence isn't enough rewarding for you to put out with daily shit?”

“Of course not, Babe.” Jude pulls out one of his most apologetic smiles, that he knows, will never cease to melt Connor's heart.

They make their way towards the entry of the building and only then Connor realizes. “Did you call me babe?”

Jude just laughs, clearly unaware of someone standing at the other end of the street, watching them from afar with a sinister smile on the face.

 


	23. And It could all fall apart.

 

_Present time._

 

“ _Jude? No.. no. Don’t you dare okay? Don’t you dare to leave me alone. I.. fuck. We promised! We promised that we wouldn’t let anything to come between us..”_

He tries to keep his eyes open. Is there something he can do to not let this _blinding_ light to swallow him away, isn't it?

It’s becoming fuzzier, Connor’s voice. Gradually getting low-pitched and sounding so far away from him, but, despite the digressive inflection of his voice Jude still manages to hear him, well at least he manages to catch fragments of the rambling, which is better than nothing. Why Connor’s rambling? Jude wonders, trying to move his fingers but they're too cold, edging over the hypothermic state.

Everything’s going to be okay.. everything.. everything is becoming _blank._

He distantly feels someone check his pulse and then, Connor’s sobs. Those are clear and _awfully_ loud as they reverberate into his ears.

He’s about to die, isn’t he? He sees the _tunnel of light_ everyone keeps talking about and despite he feels like there's no air left in his lungs, cause he's dead right? His breath somehow gets stuck in his throat when he realizes that he's not alone.

There’s a figure standing in the distance. He’s completely still and the light doesn’t allow him to see his face but then he hears his name being called by the mysterious figure and something within Jude breaks for the first time.

“ _Jude.”_

Jude feels tears streaming down his cheeks at the unmistakable voice reverberating through this weird tunnel made of light.

It's been a while since the last time he's heard such a parental love and affection filling someone's voice but there's no way Jude wouldn't recognize it.

“ _Dad.”_

Suddenly this tunnel doesn't seem that scary of a place, anymore. Indeed, Jude feels like his heart might burst (even though it's completely unlikely since he's dead. _He realizes_.) from happiness.

He's finally reunited with his father and there's nothing in the world that would make him happier, right now. He's finally safe.

Then, as a bolt from the blue, another voice is calling his name. This time so much further away from him. It's warm and familiar and so pleading that Jude's legs start buckling under his weight.

“ _Jude.. please.”_

“ _Come with me.”_ His father says and Jude has finally the opportunity to see his father again, the only person that truly loved him, asides from Connor. He smiles as he takes two tentative steps into the light but then, it suddenly starts raining, making Jude frown in surprise by the droplets blending with his tears, still streaming down his cheeks.

Here's the voice, _clearly thick with tears_ , calling his name. It sounds wrecked.

“ _Jude.. I love you. Please, wake up. It’s all over. We.. we can finally be happy, but please.. I need you to wake up. I need you to be with me. Please, I’m begging you.”_

“Connor.” Jude's mouth falls open in surprise, looking around himself but finding no one. “Where are you?” Then he addresses to his father's still dark shadow. “Where is he? Where does this voice come from?”

His father dodges the question and asks him back, “Are you coming? We don't have time, son.”

Jude freezes in his tracks, somehow finding himself stuck in this weird limbo between the two persons that meant the most to him.

Why does he have to choose?

 

_He’s dead, isn’t it? It’s not what God is supposed to take care of from now on? Why has everything to be this hard? Even when he's dead?_

  
He sees the figure take a tentative step forward and finally Jude’s able to see his father’s face. “D-dad..” he chokes on a sob escaping his lips when he’s met by the familiar sight of his father's rugged features but with the same hearty smile that characterizes him.

“I’m sorry for everything you’ve had to go through.. I’m sorry, my son. I've never wanted that life for you... If I could undo the past-- ”

“It's not your fault.. and you know that no one can actually do that.” Jude sniffs, wiping away the tears running down his cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt. Jude knows that's not completely true.. if he hadn't married to that woman... but then he shoves those thoughts away to the back of his mind. No one can ever predict what future holds.

“I'm just glad you're here.”

“Me too, Jude.. I'm so proud of you, of the man you've become, strong and proud.. there's nothing I could want more for you.”

Jude smiles through the haze of tears. “Thank you, dad.”

His smile though has very short and pithy life, cause from the way his father's looking at him... _“We can't stay here, forever. Jude."_ and then at the same time he's being hit by another voice _, pleading._

“ _Please. Please, Jude. Wake up.”_

 

 

 


	24. All I have to give.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was honestly listening to the Backstreet Boys song while writing the last part so that's where the title comes from lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I'm back!

There's only one reason why Connor lets himself fall asleep, thirty-two hours later and has nothing to do with what the doctor told him, his voice concerned and edging over severe when he ordered him to go home.

He was probably right, Connor realizes as soon the mattress digs under his weight. Sleep deprivation can be quite harmful, not even mention, completely useless in his case, cause when and if Jude will wake up, he'll be the first one to know. He closes his eyes and actually makes an attempt to sleep but his brain refuses to cooperate. Fragments and glimpses flashing across his mind through disconnected fraction of seconds belonging to the previous night are keeping him awake, forcing him to relive what happened.

Jude. Car. Ron. The sharp shriek of tire pressure scraping against the asphalt. Blood. Voices. It's all incredibly fresh and vivid and--

“Fuck!”

He squeezes his eyes shut, almost on the verge of being hit by a panic attack in his own bed.

His breathing becomes shallower, uneven. His eyes flutter open and, as a dam bursting open, tears start running down his face, scratching his cheeks with wet streaks.

The more he tries to calm down, to force back tears, to fight back the incoming sobs making his chest swell painfully with every noise coming from his throat, the more he attempts to keep himself together and harder he falls apart.

Ten minutes later, Connor has calmed down. He slowly sits down on his bed and only then he registers that his pillow is completely soaked. He makes his way to the bathroom and registers the traces of blood sliding down his lip triggered by the rough treatment of it, previously being dragged between his teeth as a way to keep himself together. Wrong way.

 

He stares at it, almost unimpressed, blankly as it's nothing. He sanitizes the cut and then heads off to bed.

It's easier to shut off his brain, this time, much to Connor's appreciation. He really wants to sleep. He doesn't need to. He just has to, simply because a part of Connor.. the one that still believes in fate, is hoping that they'll both wake up, afterward, from this  _nightmare_.

Connor closes his eyes, but when he wakes up, it all stays the same.

He reaches for his phone, laying on the cold side of his bed, and checks if there are missed calls. He can't help the pang of loss in his chest when he finds none.

He should go to class, he's missed three days already but what's the point? He thinks. Even if his body wasn't sore from the sleepless nights, would he really be able to walk to class like the previous two days never happened and focus on whatever nonsense the professor's rambling about? Would he? Connor doesn't even flinch. He closes his eyes once again and this time, he hopes he'll dream about Jude, smiling, beautiful Jude.

He drifts off almost immediately, unaware of the small smile forming on his lips as his mind takes him back to the most beautiful place he's ever been.

 

 

 

It's a thing they do, every Friday night, when Jude comes back home from work and Connor doesn't have classes until the following Monday and they can bask in each other's company for the rest of their weekend.

It's a tradition to lay down in bed, involving Jude of course, -- _rigorously_ snuggled against his chest-- a good movie – Connor offers to make Jude pick but he always refuses because _* air quotes *_ he trusts Connor's good judgement-- chocolates, coca-cola bottle on Connor's nightstand and every possible kind of junk food at hands reach on Jude's nightstand.

Their attention seems to be focused on the movie playing but Connor's mostly distracted by Jude's cheek resting against his heart and the motion of his finger drawing lazy circles on his chest. Connor steals a brief look in his direction and finds himself smiling, obviously being caught by Jude.

“What?”

Connor laughs, then when Jude's eyes narrow, throwing a stern glare in his way, Connor just hides the smile growing wider on his lips by pressing his lips against Jude's hair.

“Nothing. Just-- your mouth was open.”

Jude's eyebrow arches up in confusion as he asks. “So?”

“Careful or you'll catch some flies.”

Jude actually gives a laugh, shaking his head. “What do I have to do with you, Stevens?”

Connor has a long list of answers that would probably fit, right now, to Jude's question.

“Put up with me?” Connor offers, biting his bottom lip as to refrain a 'Forever' to escape his mouth.

Jude leans in, catching Connor's lips in a brief kiss. Then, he brushes his nose against Connor's, murmuring against his lips. “There's nothing that I'd look forward more than putting up with you.”  
Connor's breath hitches in his throat at the sweetness and fondness filling Jude's voice while his heart picks up speed in his chest.

There's nothing he could say that wouldn't express how he feels, how Jude makes him feel. Not yet, even if _he does. H_ e's been for a while, now. So the easiest thing to do now is to chase Jude's lips once more. Jude gives a breathless laugh when he finds himself being pinned down to the mattress.

“You're crushing me!”

“Are you calling me fat?”

Jude's lips flutter shut in a close-lipped smile as he raises his eyes to the ceiling, his voice sounding deadly serious. “Well, I caught you eating a whole pack of Oreo, earlier. All by yourself, I might add.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.” Jude provokes him with the challenging tone in his voice. Connor raises an eyebrow but he complies, in the sweetest way possible.

  
They kiss for a long time, slowly, with no rush. Why wouldn't they if everything they need is just this?  
At first, it seems like they're both on the same page from the way their lips chase each other like being attracted by a magnet, even when they break apart to catch some breath, their eyes never break contact.

They smile at the exact same time, just like their minds are somehow connected and detected that this is exactly what they both want, before going at it again but then the air shifts. Kissing becomes not enough and if the way they moan and pant against each other's mouth or the way their hips start rolling against each other seeking for more, is anything to go by.

“Jude...”

“Connor..”

They're both hard and panting, completely flushed in the face and ears and both of their eyes are glazed over by something burning flashing across them. It doesn't require a degree to figure that it's completely mutual. Connor's gaze falls down on where his hand is clutched against the waistband of Jude's sweatpants, edging over pulling them down.

"T-Tell me."

Jude knows exactly what Connor's asking. He shakes his head, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips that gave away all the fear, vulnerability, emotion flashing across Jude's features eyes but no hesitance. Connor couldn't detect any of that. 

"I want this." Jude's voice is sweet and _so_ full of undeniable trust that makes Connor's heart swell into his chest because no one, not even Ron, has ever looked at him like that.

That's why he needs to ask, to make sure. Because Jude deserves this moment to be the epitome of perfection. "A-are you sure?"

Jude doesn't do anything more than kiss Connor with every trembling bone in his aching body.

"I'm sure."

 

It goes on for so long that Connor actually fears that his body might burst into flames, eventually. 

He slides inside slowly, savoring the noises Jude makes everytime he hits that spot, losing himself in the way Jude's eyes flutter close with every stroke, his back arches off the bed just slightly as to chase Connor's thrust and his lips part slightly every time, releasing these little breathy noises of pleasure coming from his throat whose Connor can't possibly have enough of hearing. He's way more experienced than Jude, under that aspect, but his body is trembling like a leaf when he slides into Jude, feeling like a teenager losing his virginity to his first crush. 

He definitely feels like a teenager when the overwhelming warmth flooding through his chest at the sensation of Jude's lips running along the column of his neck, starts whispering muffled words against the warm skin.

His voice sounds broken and wet, then when Connor actually feels a trail of wetness sliding over his neck, he realizes Jude's crying. He freezes with horror on top of Jude but then Jude's nails start digging on his back. "N-No. P-Please, d-don't stop." then his voice becomes a bit steadier, but still rough as he murmurs against Connor's neck. "Please, Connor. Don't stop."

Connor starts filling him up again, aware that are tears of happiness sliding down his neck. He has to close his eyes in order to keep his emotions (and his own tears.) in check as he picks up the speed of his thrusts. 

Jude comes with a cry of Connor's name, immediately followed by Connor who promptly muffles the raw noises coming from the back of his throat by pressing their lips together. They stay exactly like that for a while, breathing harshly against each other's mouths and never, ever, looking at anything but their eyes, dilated with love, trust, affection...

_Joy._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme know your thoughts :)
> 
> I'm on twitter : @En_sky9  
> Tumblr: @skyblue993


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